the road not taken....or at least less travelled

there are moments, sometimes more frequent than others, when i wonder about the life choices i've made. or the choices i haven't made, which has consequently forced me to make a decision. not sure that makes sense to the general public, but given that i am reasonably confident no one, including the general public, is still interested in my disgraceful blogging habits, i suppose it doesn't matter if i am sensical.

i find myself utilizing this space more as a sounding board for thoughts that i have had for years. the thoughts don't so much plague me as they seem to fleetingly follow me.

i wonder if seattle is the right fit. i wonder if i can remain here for the long haul. i miss home. i had a moment, not too long ago, where i was landing in grand rapids and the flight attendent came over the intercom and announced, "welcome to grand rapids, if this is home for you, welcome home." just that sentence almost sent me over the edge. i feel so conflicted. i feel so torn. can i not be in two places at once?

my desire to be in two situations at once appears to be a running theme in my life. maybe i just need to banish monogamy from all aspects of my life, not just in relation to relationships, but with respect to homes as well. why do i have to choose just one? why is life so limiting? how can it be when there are quotes like "variety is the spice of life?" i want answers.

going home was good. it helped me remember how much i miss home. which i suppose is not really good. but it did feel good to be surrounded by MY people. b/c out here i'm not. i'm surrounded, instead, by HIS people or short term people. short term in the sense that i have known them for less than 2 years. HIS people in the sense that their loyalties lie with him, as they should. but i want MY people, people that know who i am and have known who i am for a good long period of time. people who shared in the events that have made me who i am.

and now i've scared him shitless, i'm sure, b/c i've contemplated this all day at work and blindsided him with random (at least to him) questions regarding his position on monogamy. he has to think i am insane. one minute i want marriage and then the next i'm questioning the functionality of monogamous relationships.

i'm in a depression. i believe i woke up with it. i don't recall being depressed last night, but i certainly am feeling like it today.

maybe i should blame it on the seattle weather. the grey sky and cool temperatures. all i want to do is go back to bed and sleep. but i thought the latte would combat the tired feelings. not so much, evidently.

maybe it's my job. which is truly a golden opportunity, but which is a point of frustration for me today. mind you, i did honestly spend the first two hours of my work day trying to get the damn fax machine(s) to work. important documents HAVE to get to the ceo and of course our fax machine(s) all seem to be not working. now, we're a technology company, so we have a whole slew of techy people, yet our fax machine(s) still not working. for TWO hours i tried to send this stupid fax. by the time it finally got through, i wanted to kick and scream and throw a full blown tantrum, i was that frustrated and irate. i haven't really recovered from that incident.

and i am extremely easily annoyed right now. just listening to the other people's conversations, which i am not even part of, annoys me. now, i understand it is rude to eavesdrop, and please believe me that i'd prefer to not hear their conversations, but this building wasn't intended to house all of us like it is. the walls are extraordinarily thin and you can hear everything. normally i just tune it out, it becomes background ambient noise to me, but today, i am unable to do such. instead i sit and listen and get angry.

instead of a heightened terror level, it appears i have a heightened anger/agression/depression level. i'm hoping these depressed feelings will be short lived. you know, like the 24 hour flu. but instead of the flu, it is the 24 our depression. i'd prefer it not to last longer than 24 hours, b/c then it will be cutting into my weekend, but with my current state of mind, i don't see me being all happy this weekend.

i should climb into a dark hole for the weekend and try to emerge on monday a new and mentally sound person. with an abundance of patience for all things work related.

i don't see it happening.

breaking the silence

i'm almost ashamed to be writing. i mean, it has been literally months. i am an awful blogger. i'll own up and accept that. i won't make promises to do better, because really, i likely won't do any better and more importantly, there cannot be a single soul still reading this to which the promise would matter. so, no promises.


i could blame gainful employment for my extended period of absence, but that would be a lie. if anything, the gainful employment gives me more opportunity to blog. i mean, they give me a spanking new laptop, a wireless high speed internet connection and an office to myself with at least eight hours to fill. and while i find myself busy a good majority of the time, i also experience a decent amount of down time. at which point i tend to shop online, rather than blogging.

but i think blogging would be a better use of my time and resources. primarily b/c i cannot afford to shop online as much as i would like. and while having an office gives me someplace to ship the packages to, allowing me to hide purchases from my boyfriend, it doesn't give me the unlimited amount of money i need. so, no more (or at least very little) online shopping for me. more blogging. it's free, what more could a girl want?

life has been very good since the last update, waaaay back in april. i moved quickly (7 weeks) from legal assistant to assistant counsel. which obviously means i passed the bar exam. and so did the bf. and he even got a job too. so, we are both fully employed as attorneys. me as in house legal counsel for a global technology software/market research company and him for a small law firm in bellevue where he gets more court experience than he knows what to do with. his job sounds quite interesting to me, but that might just be b/c i spend a lot of time in an office, arguing over ridiculous meaningless language in contract after contract.

we moved apartments. had to really, unless we were interested in ponying up about half a million dollars to buy our old apartment. yeah, the big trend out here is to renovate apartment buildings into condos. and while we are both heading in the right direction, we were not to the point of being able to handle a mortgage. especially one of that proportion. so, we moved. and we took our time with it, so we have found an absolutely fantastic new place. better location, right in the heart of queen anne), phenomenal view (space needle, city skyline, mt. rainier and the puget sound) and affordable. plus i love being able to walk to my favorite new thai place, chinese restaurant and grocery store.

other than that, all is the same. i feel the need to conclude with reassurances of my presence, but really, it just isn't likely that i'll have a continuous presence here. i'll try, but it is plainly obvious i am not as dedicated to my blog as i could be. so, catch ya if i catch ya.

gainful employment

i have an announcement to make. ahh-hmm...attention please!

right, thanks. now my announcement...i have a JOB! no, i have a career. or at least the startings of one. and really, i have the start of a possibly fantastic career. i've landed a job in the in house legal department of a phenomenal company here in seattle. it was ranked as the #4 company in WA to work for last year. it has grown at a 100% rate since it was founded five years ago. and even better, it pays a good salary. a damn good start. and full medical, dental and vision benefits at no cost. matching 401k. quarterly bonuses. 2 weeks paid vacation. 6 paid holidays. and the opportunity to get experience and move up in the company. i am THRILLED.

which means that i am almost done with my hobby/pseudo career as a waitress. never again will i have to take another order sounding like the one i got today: "yes, i'll have the cheeseburger, done medium well, umm, since i'm feeling bold today, six unsalted french fries...unsalted. and steamed vegetables, but tell them not to put the tomatoes in until all the veggies are almost done, otherwise it gets soupy. got it?" i almost wanted to punch her. this is a regular customer. who regularly orders ridiculous shit like this. agh. i am so glad to be almost done with this job.

spent the weekend on the oregon coast at a beach house my dad rented. it was a fantastic time...very relaxing. walked along the beach on saturday, enjoyed the sun and played a lot of cards.

i am so excited....i can't believe i finally got a job! no more job searching, no more applying, no more interviewing, no more rejections! such a great feeling right now.

is his term done yet?

seriously? i feel like he has been screwing up our country for decades. but maybe that's just because he is so efficient at screwing things up, he can do as much damage as one average president would do in a decade or two, but no, not bush, he just plows ahead.

i'm watching a live news address right now. he is SUCH an awful public speaker. just plain uncomfortable to even watch. can we count the number of "uhs, umms, oh and even ahs?"

oh, he has to cut short his address to have lunch with the president of liberia. she's a woman, he's excited about that.

i truly do not like bush. close to hating him. or i just might hate him.

he's incompetent. i blame all the republicans that thought he was a good idea.

in other news, i'm back to waitressing while waiting to be snached (ha) up by some fantastic place to work in the legal field. i think i am a hot commodity, so this should happen anytime. or, more realisitically, it will talke months. which is why i am waitressing. i was just sitting around my house, but then i felt incredibly lazy and useless and poor. but i didn't just feel poor, i was really poor. so now i'm digging myself out of the poor hole.

so, if anyone's wondering where i am, rest assured i'm just over in seattle digging away. look down the hole, far far down, take a strong flashlight, 'cause i'm way down there.

the bar exam is done. if i pass, hopefully done forever, if not, maybe just until june. regardless, i'm left with no focus. nothing in the immediate future to work for.

i'm left feeling extremely melancholy. i never know if i've made the right choices. sacrificed the right things. and now i'm crying. i've been crying off and on for hours. several hours. i don't know. what do i do?

do i pack it all in? run and hide? give up and go home? home to where they all are? the ones that love me, unconditionally. miss me equally as much as i miss them. the ones that i want to see smile and laugh and grow. the people i miss so intensely.

or do i stay and tough it out? is this really that tough or am i just a wimp? is what i have here worth the sacrifice that weighs so heavily on my heart at this time? i wish there was a way to know. to truly know. with all certainty.

i thought i did know. or i think i do know. i am as sure as i have ever been, maybe even more so. but then times like this. this one right here. where i sit with tears streaming and emotions running, times are tough. i don't know what to do.

there is a such a double standard. or maybe just two competing realities...or fantasies. depends who is looking at it. perfection all the time, happiness all the time just isn't feasible, isn't possible. and to want such is simply asking for failure. at least in my mind. constant happiness is a ridiculous standard, one that i can not attain. i will never be good enough if that is what i must live up to. i am not happy all the time. i have moments like this that i can't hold in. honestly, i don't want to hold it in.

i've done the drive so many times, the 1900 miles from here to there. from home (?) to home. it's almost a comforting thought, heading away. but it is also heartbreaking. i want this life here. i want to be here. but do i want it if perfection is demanded when i know (in my heart. in my core.) that i will fail. i'll be doomed. i'll be a disappointment. and i don't think i need to be a disappointment. someone out there would see me as good enough on my own. i really think they would. i really wish/hope that i have already have...but

the yellow brick road

the bf and i are on a journey. a journey that involves the yellow brick road and lots of munchkins.

not really. but this is the analogy i came up with upon request from the mother figure in my life. she thinks that studying to take the bar is a journey. she wanted to know if my journey was in a boat, or a plane or a car. i blurted out it was the bf, myself and the kitty, joey, pounding the pavement of the yellow brick road.

see, i need to be focused right now. i need to focus up. i need to "buck up, lil camper." keeping my nose to the grindstone. walking with blinders on. my only goal is to pass the bar exam. (fyi, all of the above cliche statements have actually been said to me. repeatedly.)

so, when unexpected, uninvited and unwelcome issues come up, they need to be dealt with swiftly. so i called the over therapized mother figure in my life who told me to take my issue, put it in a box, set it along the road and keep walking. obviously, given her responsible nature, she told me to put the box in a safe spot, so i could come back for it later....later being the ominous time after the bar exam.

and given her knowledge and my poor decision history, i decided to take her advice. i added a few things, like pretty orange wrapping paper with kelly green polka dots (the shiny kind of wrapping paper) with a big bow. and then i set it aside and kept trying to go forward.

i thought i'd put it in pretty paper, in a pretty box, so that maybe i'd have some incentive to go back to it after the bar. at least some positive incentive.

ahhh...i just need to get through the next three weeks.