ultimate indecision

i'm lounging on my couch, enjoying my marathon session of season one of SEX IN THE CITY, despairing over the fact that the session will be ending and yet absorbed in a debate in my head about whether i am lazy or simply indecisive.

there are so many things i should be doing. i should have gone to a meeting this week, but instead i decided to procrastinate and put it off until week. i started to be productive, but got half way through each project and then abandoned them. for example, i stripped the bed, flipped our mattress, put the bedding in the wash and then....well, nothing. the bedding is in the drier, dry. the bed looks naked and more than likely wants to be dressed, but yet i'm lazy. i also half cleaned the disaster area of a kitchen (homemade red sauce last night) and then forgot to finish the job. OR am i indecisive? i should also go running. for a good long run. it partly even sounds enjoyable rather than just obligatory, but my running shoes are nowhere to be seen. i should also eat something as well, but i can't decide what i want to eat. or i am i just too lazy to go get food?

the very last episode of season one just ended. i think tears rolled down my cheeks. now i have nothing to entertain me. maybe i should make a to do list. i always feel somehow productive when i make a to do list, even if i don't actually do anything on the list. totally irrational, i realize, but yet, still true. my other favorite activity for moments like this is to go shopping. to the mall. i really love the mall.

punk'd is on. ashton kutcher is punking mila kunis. it is somewhat entertaining. not as good as sex in the city. so very bitter.

alright. it's almost time to get motivated. alright...so a poll - lazy or indecisive?

struggling type a

i used to be a bit of a type a personality. i used to be super motivated, focused and all those other adjectives that ambitious people get described with.

but then i went to law school and i just sort of became less of a type a. i became more laid back. less concerned. far less motivated.

however, despite my diligent efforts to stave off any sort of guilt regarding the loss of my analness, every so often, and with increasing frequency, i begin to have feeling of (gasp) guilt. i have hours and hours of time to just sit and watch tv, but i can't. i could nap, but instead i feel plagued by the duty to do something. i know i should go run. and i will go run. but i almost think that i sit and debate running as some form of alleviating my displaced type a-ness. who knows. i just know that i don't sit still well. i don't do nothing that well.

too bad the bf does nothing better than anyone i know. it is a quality and something i normally appreciate, however with my mounting inability to just sit i am getting frustrated with his perfection of relaxed.

i think it is time in my life to get serious. to get started. if only i can continue to procrastinate....

disturbing dreams...

i was plagued by bothersome dreams this morning. the bf had to leave for work only, so i was up at five am. i remember thinking at that point that i was super excited to get to sleep an additional three hours, but i now wish i would have just gotten up at that point. i can't really remember all the details, but i do know that i was naked and the EX bf was commenting on how i look now compared to how i looked the six years he and i dated. it was disturbing and completely un-neccessary. i don't want him back in my dreams.

the current and fantastic bf and i were driving to have dinner with his parents last night and it just hit me! BAM...i really live here. this is my home now, even if my mind doesn't realize it most of the time. if i were to be asked, unexpectedly, where my home was, i would automatically say michigan, but that just isn't true any longer. and really, let me tell you, that is scary. i guess it wasn't scary before living here, given that i was in school and had a legitimate reason to be in this state. but now i have graduated. i'm not a student anymore (which all on it's own has been hard enough for me to come to terms with), but now i also realize that i am choosing to make WA my home. i'm choosing between MI and WA. i just pray that i'm making the right choice.

and i pray that my damn EX stays out of my dreams and firmly planted in michigan.

snotty runny noses

i've been training at the new job, at the upscale seafood restaurant downtown. i actually need the training, given that i am from michigan and have little knowledge about any sort of seafood...unless it is trout. i know trout. but all these other random kinds of seafood...i have no clue. so, i was on the floor serving food last night when out of no where my nose goes crazy and just starts dripping snot. it was gross. i feared contamination of the food i was serving. and then the sneezing started. i got no sleep last night, but instead went through an entire box of tissues, and not the good kind, but instead the cheap kind. i didn't have any medicine last night and just went and got some from the grocery store this morning. so, now i've heavily sedated myself with nyquil nightime. screw the daytime kind, i'm going all out. i also splurged and got myself the premium kleenexes.

i'm supposed to be at work training today, a double shift actually, but i just can't function. i have a kleenex stuck up my nose, trying to stop the runningness. i keep coughing and i just don't feel well. so, i'm calling in sick during my first week of training. i feel like such a loser, but serously, i can't help it.

so now i am just going to go to bed and try to ignore the fact that my nose is seriously working overtime.

fucking monopoly

i need to say that monopoly is over-rated. i don't want to be drunk and playing monopoly. it isn't fun. it's the oppsoite of fun. when drunk and not focusing well for other reasons, no one wants to play monopoly and try to think. especially with people who won't just give up. this isn't a fun game. i'm bitter.

and my dad is an ass. i mean honestly, is apologizing that difficult? fucking grow up and be an adult. be a dad. honestly, you haven't been one my whole life so just give it a try right now. i'm really bitter about that. what an ass.

needless to say, i'm a bitter drunk right now.

raining naked women...

it is not really raining naked women here in seattle. it isn't even raining, actually. but pat (BF) likes to tell a particular friend that it rains naked women here in an attempt to get him to move here. and my current thoughts were that when it rains, it pours. so, it is pouring naked women i guess.

things are going so well. it is like i have gone from really stressed and sure that life was going to end as i know it, to life falling right into place almost exactly as i wanted it. i would have prefered to take a different path to get to the point i'm at, i mean all is good now, but for months all was not good. all was frelled (caleb's word) up. i would have preferred to skip the frelled up months, but really, everybody makes mistakes and poor decisions, so i guess i'll just take the lesson i've learned and move forward.

i got a job and i start training today, so i am pretty excited about that. not like it is the beginning of my life long career, but that's okay. it's a step in the write direction, and that's all that matters. so, i'll be waiting tables again. i do love being a waitress. down town seattle, at mccormicks and schmicks on 1st ave in seattle. known as the premier seafood restaurant in seattle. the general manager asked me how my knowledge was on seafood. i replied that i was from the mid-west and i had gone fishing a few times. i obviously impressed him, since he gave me the job.

i'll be retiring the saturn in the near future. my nana has graciously volunteered to aid me in getting a slightly more reliable and perhaps a newer car. so, i'm in the market for a used honda accord or civic, but not in any sort of rush since the saturn and i go way back and i know it won't abandon me before i get a new one.

let's see? what else? i'm loving seattle. this is the largest city i've ever lived in and it just has so much to do and offer. i've been to several mariners baseball games and the guarantee of elephant ears and hot dogs gets me there everytime. i'm hoping the seahawks game that we are going to in a couple of weeks has the same benefits.

i'm not a student anymore. this is the first fall that i haven't been buying books, going to class or dreading homework. it's kinda nice, but at the same time, i loved almost all of my seven years of higher education. the last one was so bittersweet, it's hard to decide if i loved it or hated it.

in the last three years i have managed to drop forty pounds of myself. which i am thrilled about. i'm not chunky anymore. one might even consider me slender, svelte or skinny. the downfall has been the disapperance of my breasts. there gone. they used to be substantial, but now they are pretty mini. which has led me to become obsessed with everyone else's breasts. so now i have something in common with gabe. wonder if this is good or bad?