mid-westerner transported to seattle

the road not taken....or at least less travelled

2006-11-14T17:13:00.000-08:00

there are moments, sometimes more frequent than others, when i wonder about the life choices i've made. or the choices i haven't made, which has consequently forced me to make a decision. not sure that makes sense to the general public, but given that i am reasonably confident no one, including the general public, is still interested in my disgraceful blogging habits, i suppose it doesn't matter if i am sensical.

i find myself utilizing this space more as a sounding board for thoughts that i have had for years. the thoughts don't so much plague me as they seem to fleetingly follow me.

i wonder if seattle is the right fit. i wonder if i can remain here for the long haul. i miss home. i had a moment, not too long ago, where i was landing in grand rapids and the flight attendent came over the intercom and announced, "welcome to grand rapids, if this is home for you, welcome home." just that sentence almost sent me over the edge. i feel so conflicted. i feel so torn. can i not be in two places at once?

my desire to be in two situations at once appears to be a running theme in my life. maybe i just need to banish monogamy from all aspects of my life, not just in relation to relationships, but with respect to homes as well. why do i have to choose just one? why is life so limiting? how can it be when there are quotes like "variety is the spice of life?" i want answers.

going home was good. it helped me remember how much i miss home. which i suppose is not really good. but it did feel good to be surrounded by MY people. b/c out here i'm not. i'm surrounded, instead, by HIS people or short term people. short term in the sense that i have known them for less than 2 years. HIS people in the sense that their loyalties lie with him, as they should. but i want MY people, people that know who i am and have known who i am for a good long period of time. people who shared in the events that have made me who i am.

and now i've scared him shitless, i'm sure, b/c i've contemplated this all day at work and blindsided him with random (at least to him) questions regarding his position on monogamy. he has to think i am insane. one minute i want marriage and then the next i'm questioning the functionality of monogamous relationships.

2006-08-11T13:14:00.000-07:00

i'm in a depression. i believe i woke up with it. i don't recall being depressed last night, but i certainly am feeling like it today.

maybe i should blame it on the seattle weather. the grey sky and cool temperatures. all i want to do is go back to bed and sleep. but i thought the latte would combat the tired feelings. not so much, evidently.

maybe it's my job. which is truly a golden opportunity, but which is a point of frustration for me today. mind you, i did honestly spend the first two hours of my work day trying to get the damn fax machine(s) to work. important documents HAVE to get to the ceo and of course our fax machine(s) all seem to be not working. now, we're a technology company, so we have a whole slew of techy people, yet our fax machine(s) still not working. for TWO hours i tried to send this stupid fax. by the time it finally got through, i wanted to kick and scream and throw a full blown tantrum, i was that frustrated and irate. i haven't really recovered from that incident.

and i am extremely easily annoyed right now. just listening to the other people's conversations, which i am not even part of, annoys me. now, i understand it is rude to eavesdrop, and please believe me that i'd prefer to not hear their conversations, but this building wasn't intended to house all of us like it is. the walls are extraordinarily thin and you can hear everything. normally i just tune it out, it becomes background ambient noise to me, but today, i am unable to do such. instead i sit and listen and get angry.

instead of a heightened terror level, it appears i have a heightened anger/agression/depression level. i'm hoping these depressed feelings will be short lived. you know, like the 24 hour flu. but instead of the flu, it is the 24 our depression. i'd prefer it not to last longer than 24 hours, b/c then it will be cutting into my weekend, but with my current state of mind, i don't see me being all happy this weekend.

i should climb into a dark hole for the weekend and try to emerge on monday a new and mentally sound person. with an abundance of patience for all things work related.

i don't see it happening.

breaking the silence

2006-08-02T10:27:00.000-07:00

i'm almost ashamed to be writing. i mean, it has been literally months. i am an awful blogger. i'll own up and accept that. i won't make promises to do better, because really, i likely won't do any better and more importantly, there cannot be a single soul still reading this to which the promise would matter. so, no promises.

i could blame gainful employment for my extended period of absence, but that would be a lie. if anything, the gainful employment gives me more opportunity to blog. i mean, they give me a spanking new laptop, a wireless high speed internet connection and an office to myself with at least eight hours to fill. and while i find myself busy a good majority of the time, i also experience a decent amount of down time. at which point i tend to shop online, rather than blogging.

but i think blogging would be a better use of my time and resources. primarily b/c i cannot afford to shop online as much as i would like. and while having an office gives me someplace to ship the packages to, allowing me to hide purchases from my boyfriend, it doesn't give me the unlimited amount of money i need. so, no more (or at least very little) online shopping for me. more blogging. it's free, what more could a girl want?

life has been very good since the last update, waaaay back in april. i moved quickly (7 weeks) from legal assistant to assistant counsel. which obviously means i passed the bar exam. and so did the bf. and he even got a job too. so, we are both fully employed as attorneys. me as in house legal counsel for a global technology software/market research company and him for a small law firm in bellevue where he gets more court experience than he knows what to do with. his job sounds quite interesting to me, but that might just be b/c i spend a lot of time in an office, arguing over ridiculous meaningless language in contract after contract.

we moved apartments. had to really, unless we were interested in ponying up about half a million dollars to buy our old apartment. yeah, the big trend out here is to renovate apartment buildings into condos. and while we are both heading in the right direction, we were not to the point of being able to handle a mortgage. especially one of that proportion. so, we moved. and we took our time with it, so we have found an absolutely fantastic new place. better location, right in the heart of queen anne), phenomenal view (space needle, city skyline, mt. rainier and the puget sound) and affordable. plus i love being able to walk to my favorite new thai place, chinese restaurant and grocery store.

other than that, all is the same. i feel the need to conclude with reassurances of my presence, but really, it just isn't likely that i'll have a continuous presence here. i'll try, but it is plainly obvious i am not as dedicated to my blog as i could be. so, catch ya if i catch ya.

gainful employment

2006-04-03T21:45:00.001-07:00

i have an announcement to make. ahh-hmm...attention please!

right, thanks. now my announcement...i have a JOB! no, i have a career. or at least the startings of one. and really, i have the start of a possibly fantastic career. i've landed a job in the in house legal department of a phenomenal company here in seattle. it was ranked as the #4 company in WA to work for last year. it has grown at a 100% rate since it was founded five years ago. and even better, it pays a good salary. a damn good start. and full medical, dental and vision benefits at no cost. matching 401k. quarterly bonuses. 2 weeks paid vacation. 6 paid holidays. and the opportunity to get experience and move up in the company. i am THRILLED.

which means that i am almost done with my hobby/pseudo career as a waitress. never again will i have to take another order sounding like the one i got today: "yes, i'll have the cheeseburger, done medium well, umm, since i'm feeling bold today, six unsalted french fries...unsalted. and steamed vegetables, but tell them not to put the tomatoes in until all the veggies are almost done, otherwise it gets soupy. got it?" i almost wanted to punch her. this is a regular customer. who regularly orders ridiculous shit like this. agh. i am so glad to be almost done with this job.

spent the weekend on the oregon coast at a beach house my dad rented. it was a fantastic time...very relaxing. walked along the beach on saturday, enjoyed the sun and played a lot of cards.

i am so excited....i can't believe i finally got a job! no more job searching, no more applying, no more interviewing, no more rejections! such a great feeling right now.

is his term done yet?

2006-03-21T07:55:00.000-08:00

seriously? i feel like he has been screwing up our country for decades. but maybe that's just because he is so efficient at screwing things up, he can do as much damage as one average president would do in a decade or two, but no, not bush, he just plows ahead.

i'm watching a live news address right now. he is SUCH an awful public speaker. just plain uncomfortable to even watch. can we count the number of "uhs, umms, oh and even ahs?"

oh, he has to cut short his address to have lunch with the president of liberia. she's a woman, he's excited about that.

i truly do not like bush. close to hating him. or i just might hate him.

he's incompetent. i blame all the republicans that thought he was a good idea.

in other news, i'm back to waitressing while waiting to be snached (ha) up by some fantastic place to work in the legal field. i think i am a hot commodity, so this should happen anytime. or, more realisitically, it will talke months. which is why i am waitressing. i was just sitting around my house, but then i felt incredibly lazy and useless and poor. but i didn't just feel poor, i was really poor. so now i'm digging myself out of the poor hole.

so, if anyone's wondering where i am, rest assured i'm just over in seattle digging away. look down the hole, far far down, take a strong flashlight, 'cause i'm way down there.

2006-02-28T11:06:00.000-08:00

the bar exam is done. if i pass, hopefully done forever, if not, maybe just until june. regardless, i'm left with no focus. nothing in the immediate future to work for.

i'm left feeling extremely melancholy. i never know if i've made the right choices. sacrificed the right things. and now i'm crying. i've been crying off and on for hours. several hours. i don't know. what do i do?

do i pack it all in? run and hide? give up and go home? home to where they all are? the ones that love me, unconditionally. miss me equally as much as i miss them. the ones that i want to see smile and laugh and grow. the people i miss so intensely.

or do i stay and tough it out? is this really that tough or am i just a wimp? is what i have here worth the sacrifice that weighs so heavily on my heart at this time? i wish there was a way to know. to truly know. with all certainty.

i thought i did know. or i think i do know. i am as sure as i have ever been, maybe even more so. but then times like this. this one right here. where i sit with tears streaming and emotions running, times are tough. i don't know what to do.

there is a such a double standard. or maybe just two competing realities...or fantasies. depends who is looking at it. perfection all the time, happiness all the time just isn't feasible, isn't possible. and to want such is simply asking for failure. at least in my mind. constant happiness is a ridiculous standard, one that i can not attain. i will never be good enough if that is what i must live up to. i am not happy all the time. i have moments like this that i can't hold in. honestly, i don't want to hold it in.

i've done the drive so many times, the 1900 miles from here to there. from home (?) to home. it's almost a comforting thought, heading away. but it is also heartbreaking. i want this life here. i want to be here. but do i want it if perfection is demanded when i know (in my heart. in my core.) that i will fail. i'll be doomed. i'll be a disappointment. and i don't think i need to be a disappointment. someone out there would see me as good enough on my own. i really think they would. i really wish/hope that i have already have...but

the yellow brick road

2006-02-07T18:31:00.000-08:00

the bf and i are on a journey. a journey that involves the yellow brick road and lots of munchkins.

not really. but this is the analogy i came up with upon request from the mother figure in my life. she thinks that studying to take the bar is a journey. she wanted to know if my journey was in a boat, or a plane or a car. i blurted out it was the bf, myself and the kitty, joey, pounding the pavement of the yellow brick road.

see, i need to be focused right now. i need to focus up. i need to "buck up, lil camper." keeping my nose to the grindstone. walking with blinders on. my only goal is to pass the bar exam. (fyi, all of the above cliche statements have actually been said to me. repeatedly.)

so, when unexpected, uninvited and unwelcome issues come up, they need to be dealt with swiftly. so i called the over therapized mother figure in my life who told me to take my issue, put it in a box, set it along the road and keep walking. obviously, given her responsible nature, she told me to put the box in a safe spot, so i could come back for it later....later being the ominous time after the bar exam.

and given her knowledge and my poor decision history, i decided to take her advice. i added a few things, like pretty orange wrapping paper with kelly green polka dots (the shiny kind of wrapping paper) with a big bow. and then i set it aside and kept trying to go forward.

i thought i'd put it in pretty paper, in a pretty box, so that maybe i'd have some incentive to go back to it after the bar. at least some positive incentive.

ahhh...i just need to get through the next three weeks.

complete frustration

2006-01-16T21:01:00.000-08:00

i am completely frustrated right now. i just do not understand some people. i don't understand the level of selfishness that some people reserve within themselves. and i will readily admit that i am a pretty selfish person all on my own, but i am just in awe of the selfishness i just witnessed. it was like a flare being lit in the dark. it was that intense.

and now i am pissed. pissed off. irate. and i say irate a lot, but now i am truly using it in the proper manner. i am angry.

that selfishness alone hasn't gotten me completely frustrated. luckily there are other contributors helping me out. like my lack of money...yes, lack of money. i realize that i got a large check not long ago, but really i am SO far behind that i need a serious miracle. i mean, i totally appreciate the first miracle, it definently helped, but with continued selfishness from some, i'm screwed. oh yeah, and the necessity for me to study more than i currently am is frustrating. and my hatred of studying is frustrating. my short temper with most people is even frustrating for me. my lack of a real job right now, frustrating. my shitty ass crappy job, really really frustrating. the lack of money that requires me to stay with my shitty ass crappy job....THE MOST FRUSTRATING.

sorry to vent. it's rage. i'm rageriffic.

buckle down?

2006-01-10T09:34:00.000-08:00

i don't know if i can do it. this buckle down thing. i'm a natural born procrastinator, but let me tell you this exam just isn't conducive to procrastination. this is "the" test. the test of my life. i need to focus up. but i am so struggling. i don't want to study. it just isn't working. i absolutely absolutely dread going to the class every night. hate it. i hate thinking about studying when i am not in class. i just hate this. but i know, mentally, that i need to just power through it. focus up for fifty days and get through.

i don't think i can do it.

why did i not pick a different career? one that didn't require this test? this three day, totally essay, life altering career deciding test?

2006-01-05T21:05:00.000-08:00

hello there.

i'm in love with james blunt. if you haven't heard his music...listen to it. it comes highly recommended via me.

this is the moment of karma i'm in love with. or the god i'm in love with. or whatever higher power is out there...i love it right now. and let me tell you why...

about a year ago i got some paperwork in the mail asking me to join a class action lawsuit against abercrombie. i had worked there during my second year of law school for a period of time. anyhow, i filled out the paper work, which took about five minutes and didn't think of it again. anyhow, about a month ago i got a check for $65 and i was pretty pleased. i mean, $65 for five minutes is good. but then i got home from the big trip to michigan only to find an additional check for more. $2,258.32 more to be exact. no wonder i love the law. and lawsuits. i wonder how much the attorneys who represented that class made.

our trip back home was fantastic. my niece and nephew are now more enamored with my bf than they are with me. what can ya do?

studying for the bar exam. it's time. operation focus up has commenced. and must continue for at least fifty days. i hate the bar exam. hate it hate it hate it and i haven't even met it yet.

i wish i could go to ihop right now. mmm ihop.

the disadvantages of not being chunky anymore.

2005-12-19T09:40:00.000-08:00

i used to be chunky. gabe called me that once. in a very roundabout indirect sly cunning manner. or he actually accidentally said someone totally unrelated to was chunky, and i then decided i was the same size as said person, so then i likened this situation to gabe calling me chunky.

anyhow, i used to be chunky. for years. not fat, i wouldn't say. actually, i did think i was fat, but chunky is probably more realistic, but that isn't the point. the point is that now that i'm not chunky, there have been many many advantages. i mean, i have higher self-confidence, i look better, i'm healthier and yada yada yada. but the subtle disadvantages that no one alarms you to, that's not fair. for example....thank god i love in seattle now and not michigan. let me tell you, i am freezing here. sitting in my apartment. just out of bed. this might have something to do with the fact that the bf and i are trying to save money by not using the heat AT ALL, but i think it has more to do with the fact that i no longer have some padding to keep me warm. in michigan i sued to be in colder environments all the time and i wasn't such a pansy. but now, in the slightly chilly (think 35 degrees) rainy weather, i'm cold ALL the time. ALL THE TIME. i'm like one of those 3 pound tea cup yorkshire terriers or chiuhuas that spend their entire life shivering and trying to stay out of the way of dangerous feet. i'm not so concerned about getting stepped on, but i can totally relate to the shivering situation.

new topic....holiday shopping. agh, is it done already? oh, that's right, it isn't. it's never-ending. i found myself with the bf at toys r us last night at almost midnight. looking at some ridiculously expensive nascar race set. or something. who knows. the nephew wants it and pat must have never gotten it as a child, because he is too excited about this toy.

went to a christmas party last week. should have called it a holiday party or chrismahanakwanzakah or seomthing, but hey, this is MY blog. i'll be as un politically correct as i want. anyhow, went to this party. the theme was ugly xmas sweaters. yeah, my boyfriend took 2nd place! so proud of my dreamboat wearing a royal blue old old (think at least 75) lady sweater that was beautifully adorned with pearls, strands of gold threading and beautiful designs of snowflakes, xmas trees and lord knows what else. plus the shoulder pads were a really nice touch. it was a great look.....

alright, i've got to go brave the weather (read drizzly cold grey rain) and work at my very important and high powered job (read waitress).

2005-12-06T11:25:00.000-08:00

i've been sitting here, on my couch, staring at my computer screen in a glazed haze for several minutes. i've been fixated on the title space for this post. i don't know what the title is for this post. i thought and thought and stared but came up with nada. so, no title for now.

it was my birthday 2 days ago. yeah for 26! see i'm pretty okay with it, given that i maintain that 26 is still considered the mid-twenties. i think 27 is the beginning of the late-twenties. 26 though, still in the mid-twenties. albeit the end of the mid-twenties...but still the mid-twenties. and i don't want to hear anything to the contrary.

my birthday day was great. had a very good day. the day had a distinct food focus, but it was closely rivaled by the consumption of several bottles of wine. anyhow, lunch was at this great drive in greasy burger place. now i am already almost obsessed with the concept of take out, but a place where all i do is drive there, sit in my car and get waited on that way is GENIUS. seriously, we just sat in the car, listening to the radio and reading the local liberal paper. it was fantastic. and then i ate the best ever cheesburger, onion rings, french fries and shake. it was a good start to the day.

dinner was at a much classier fondue restaurant i had been wanting to try and instead of greasy burgers, it was filet and lobster with between three and four bottles of a very nice pinot noir.

the lesson learned on my birthday involved serious gift peeking karma. the bf had wrapped my present and then gotten in the shower, so i took that opportunity to go and see what he'd wrapped up. so i stood there, shaking and banging and weighing my birthday present (wrapped so nicely in xmas paper with ductape) for quite awhile. but nothing was coming to me. he'd done a good job. so, my scheming mind figured that looking in the closet or the trash can would give me more clues, probably even the bag it had come from. so, i'm walking toward the kitchen when i have a flash of grown-upness. i mean, i'm 26...should i really still be trying to sneek at my gifts? no, i shouldn't. and i wanted to be surprised. i knew i was going to love it regardless, but i wanted to be surprised. so, i made amends and started to walk out of the room when i step on the bag of my present! RIGHT THERE ON THE FLOOR. IN PLAIN SIGHT! i was irate. i had just taken the high road and done the right thing instead of the easy thing and yet the damn gift giving karma police screwed me anyhow. assholes.

agh. sorry.

totally unrelated, i've been thinking lately that i really would love the ability to be able to see all of my life options prior to choosing the final one. i don't know if getting older is putting more pressure on me or what, but it's getting down to go time. and i wonder if i am going in the right direction. i have a tendency to make up alternative lives for myself...mostly while i am running. but i run a decent amount, probably about five hours a week, so i have a substantial amount of time to imagine.

sometimes i don't change much in my life other than my location. other times i have a life that includes a totally different boyfriend or even a girlfriend in a foreign country where fun drugs are legal and i am indepently wealthy and fantastically beautiful with no responsibilities.

other times i think about what if i had stayed with my first love, that high school sweetheart. i picture that life. the white picket fence with the very well maintained house with the blue eyed blonde haired babies running around. at about this point in this story, i get panicked and feel relieved that i am really still in seattle, running in the rain.

or what if the one that i always still care about and still always lingers in the back of my mind were the one i was sharing my time with? what would my life look like then? where would i live? would i laugh more? or less? would i be with him seriously or would it still be like it always had been, so precarious and un-reliable, yet fantastically fun and exciting? so many questions....

it reminds me of those boost mobile commericals with the celebrities in them where it shows each person in an alternative life if there was no boost mobile. you know what i'm talking about, right? where biggie smalls becomes a dog therapist or something, if not for boost mobile. i want that ability, to see the what ifs...to really know. it's hard to just rely on my decision making skills. they are questionable at best. i make poor decisions left and right....my past is littered with them. it is literally a trail that follows me. as if i were dropping bread crumbs as i go along in life. but you know what? i'm okay with some of those bad decisions. some of those bad decisions made me laugh that much more and made my life that more memorable and alive. two years ago on st. patrick's day i made a poor choice that led to me passed out naked at the bottom of my hard wood stairs at my house. but still, i love that night. i love the fun i had. the hysterical laughter and the unknown and promise. same with a couple summers back where i explored a random western michigan rest area more than some would. it was probably a bad decision, if one were to look to societal norms, but still, i wouldn't take it back. not even for a million dollars. (which says a lot, i'm really poor. and seriously in debt. and i love to shop. so, see?) i love the adventure and the happiness i have felt too many times when making poor decisions. which i think is almost a self-defeating line of thinking. if i continue to make poor decisions (knowing sometimes that i am doing the wrong thing, even though it is so fun) i'll be systematically destroying my life.

wow. that's sad. and depressing. too bad i'm so old. this morning in the car i heard a mental health commercial that diagnosed me as bi-polar. they then invited me to join their free study, but only if i was between the ages of 18 and 25. assholes again. now i'm diagnosed and screwed. thanks. figures seattle would have these commercials...it's the rain.

this blog is ridiculously long and even more ridiculously incoherent. i apologize for that, but hey, it's my blog and i'll do what i want to (sang to the "it's my birthday and i'll cry if i want to").

un-inspired

2005-12-02T16:12:00.000-08:00

i'm feeling un-inspired these days. thus the silence. no need to share my lack of inspiration with the rest of you. but here i am, sharing it with you anyhow. the agony, huh?

i don't know if it is this time period in my life or what, but i am just kind of here. no real purpose. or maybe i am just taking a really round-about route to my purpose. regardless, my lack of purpose has resulted in a rather dull existence.

i run. i sleep. sometimes i nap. i work. i think a lot about shopping and then talk myself out of it, given that i am too busy to work more to make the extra money i would need to justify shopping. i play fetch with joey a lot. i hang out a lot with my bf, who does mostly the same things i do. well, except the running. he doesn't run. and really, i'm sure he doesn't think about shopping either way. nevermind, the point here is that until january 3rd, a month and a day away, we have no desire to be focused. on that fated day we will begin being serious. commencement of operation focus the fuck up.

hmm, i like that name. operation focus the fuck up. maybe i'll make a banner an hang it on the wall. and then maybe i will prematurely post a banner over that one saying "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" . and i'll pretend to be on a navy ship out somewhere double top secret in the ocean. and i'll be wearing a sporty pilot's jump suit, helping me look youthful and brave. oh, shit. that just sounds stupid. no one would really do that.

oh, wait. we have such a stupid president. i'm ashamed of him. but still, you gotta love his style, right? yeah, i didn't think so either.

anyhow, january 3rd is the beginning of operation focus the fuck up, at which point pat and i will have given up all mind-altering substances, either legal or illegal. and the culmination of all of the efforts of operation focus the fuck up will be february 20-23, otherwise known as the bar exam. not fun. at least that's what i hear.

alright, enough. until something more interesting happens....or until i turn a year older. (ha, makes you think it will be a long time from now, but really, just hold on 'til sunday. i become even more mature then.)

hodge podge

2005-11-15T09:48:00.000-08:00

in no particular order. and some may be false and some may be true. or all of them are true. or all of them are lies. it's a tough call. consider it a game, guess which are true. or false.

1. my high school sweetheart (who was ALL wrong for me once i finally grew up, but yes, it did take 8 years - on and off - for me to figure that out) got married. if this is true, it took place in september 2005, which begs lots of questions which i just deleted, b/c really, i just don't care anymore. i mean, it might make me a little sad, given it is the future i turned down, but in totality, it confirms that i choose well. i'm happier here. i'm happier without him. (assuming this tidbit is indeed factual.)

2. i watched my first porn movie this week.

3. i ordered a potentially fantastic life changer online....it takes batteries and not only vibrates, but has many other exciting (at least potentially) features.

4. i got a boob job. (this is not true. it is actually something i would have never even considered prior to recently....more specifically, i used to have boobs. now i don't. and now i am obsessed with the breasts i used to have. and consequently am obsessed with other's breasts.)

5. the sun came out today. ha.

6. i woke up at six am only to pack the bf's lunch.

7. i'm no longer an alcoholic binge drinker.

all done. can't think of anymore.

an over arching life theme.

2005-11-10T08:40:00.000-08:00

i think my life theme, which keeps rearing it's ugly head over and over again, is indifference. or i guess it could be categorized as a strong affection for averageness. lack of motivation. no work ethic. no drive. no ambition.

alright, that isn't entirely true, i know i have drive, ambition and possibly (this is a bit of a stretch) work ethic. i just don't use them anymore. i like to think that everyone (yup, you) has a finite amount of ambition. i had a bit of a challenged childhood (i know, everyone has. i understand this, but if i can't used the crack addict lesbian truck driver mom or the ex-felon time serving father, where does that leave me?) and i think that i was so OVER zealous as a small child that i forced the remaining drive that i do have into hibernation.

evidence to support my theory? who needs evidence? whatever though, i've got some.
1. the ulcer i was diganosed with in the first grade. i was a worrier. i was driven. that damn ulcer required me to drink (daily) the most disgusting syrup like medicine ever. it was green. it was gooey. and it stunk like black licorice. and since then i have hated black licorice with a passion. eww. anyhow, the ulcer is evidence.

2. i was an over-achiever. i got all vs's on my report card through grade school. (vs=very satisfactory) in third grade i was offered the chance to skip ahead an entire year. my mom's denied this. she claims that it was what i wanted, however, i was little, who the hells listens to a third grader with a damn ulcer? whatever.

3. in the seventh grade i got moved to a class for the gifted (by the way, this was my peak of intelligence).

4. graduated high school with a 3.98 gpa, spent hours agonizing over the one b+ that killed the 4.0, graduated in the top ten (number three, damn it.), scored lots of scholarships (thank you wal-mart, for paying for some of my undergrad...i still HATE YOUR COMPANY and your work ethics. i'd rather be ethic-less than have yours.) and then....

oh yeah, there is no number five. silence. i used all my ambition. i mean, i made it through college. i didn't get any damn 3.9. nor did a graduate at the top of the class (in my defense, michigan state university is really big....). i did graduate and i did do well enough to get into law school.

even if it is gonzaga. which had so much potential for ambition, but the UBER (yes, uber. it was palpable so it qualifies under uber) competitiveness killed it for me. i think i deprived myself of fun for so many years during formative ages that now i have totally reverted. during law school i purposely and frequently choose fun over seriousness. i choose to party and drink and socialize and shop and do anything else (including cleaning and acquiring a ridiculous love for running) that prevented me from getting sucked into the rat race of law students elbowing eachother to get some better internship or to make law review or blah blah blah. screw that life. i like mine better.

well, in actuality, i'd like to find a balance. i may be taking this fun loving attitude to an extreme now, but i realize that. i'll work on it. eventually.

totally unrelated to this, i am trying so very very hard to not wake up my bf. he has the day off and wants to sleep in. anyone who knows me may remember (fondly, i''m sure) that i don't sleep well, let alone sleep in at all. i don't really require more than six hours of sleep, so after that i am up. and i am a firm believer that if i am awake, everyone else should be too. this has lead to hours of angst for many people. so, i have shut myself out of the bedroom today, in an effort to prevent me from jumping up and down on the bed to wake him up. i am writing a ridiculously long post to keep me distracted. i have already gone running. i am about to embark on cleaning. i am such a good girl friend....

(not really.)

(wait, to be honest, i actually am. i like making people happy.)

a train of thought to follow up on.

2005-11-05T08:41:00.000-08:00

i don't believe that excessive drinking is always a bad thing.

i think sometimes a lot of people (including myself) find that times of extreme intoxication coincide with times of extreme honesty. hence drunk dialing. or drunk emailing. or just being drunk and together.

the first time i kissed my bf we were raging drunk in the most white trash bar known to man. and we weren't bf/gf then. we were nothing but friends who consequently became hook up friends. hook up friends who drank ridiculously. and got to know eachother that way. and you know, i think it really allowed us to get to know eachother in a very honest way. with no barriers or hesitations. no inhabitions. obviously we weren't always drunk, since we were in law school and all, but a lot of the time, we were. regardless, we got to know almost every aspect of eachother, sober and not sober.

we decided to be bf/gf when we were drunk.

he first told me "i love you" in that same white trash bar when we were drunk. (seriously, white trash. i remember thinking that i was in love in a bar where people with mullets and missing teeth were screaming def leopard.)

and just b/c we were drunk at a few important times does not mean that what happened is any less special. maybe it indicates some communication problems, but at the same time, i'm unwilling to even admit that, given that i think he and i actually communicate quite well.

obviously things happen when people are drunk that they regret or would like to take back, but i am bothered by the preface of "that didn't count, i was drunk." some of my favorite memories are from when i was drunk. things that happen always happen for a reason, even or especially so, when you are drunk.

and i love all the people who are honest drunks. i understand those people. i trust those people. so, honest drunks (you know who you are) thank you for being so fantastically fun and honest.

2005-10-21T09:41:00.000-07:00

this was found by a co-worker in seattle's weekly independent periodical, the stranger. after finding it, he made sure i got to find it as well....and that everyone at our restaurant, including customers, knew.

McCormick & Smitten
Three African American ladies, an older white man and me get seated at McCormick's on First. A waitress takes our drink order and I can't take my eyes off her. I'm far too shy, have a girlfriend and wish for just one day to have a "Free Day" to meet and talk to you. High cheekbones, long brown hair and badge reading "Trish" handing from your belt. It's 3 hours ago and my heart is still pounding.
When: Thursday, October 13, 2005
Where: McCormick and Schmick's on First
I saw a: Woman
I am a: Man
Date posted: Thursday, October 13, 2005

my first ever "i saw you ad". and you know what, i'm flattered, but also slightly bothered. this ad confirms what i've always strongly suspected but never had offically confirmed (well, maybe i was in denial, given the last five years of my life prior to the current bf, but whatever). this ad confirms that i am not girlfriend material to the VAST majority of guys out there. for some reason, i give off a vibe that i am good to hook up with but not really gf material. and honestly, it must be a strong vibe, since a person i waited on picked up on it. thus, it's official, i am not gf material.

i explained this to the bf and he reassurred me that he was just like me before i came along. evidently we are two peas in a pod. that or he is just trying to make me feel better.

the game of kitty fetch

2005-10-20T15:24:00.000-07:00

my little joey is very busy stalking me with her damn champagne cage top thingy. i go into the bathroom, she follows me and then drops it on my feet. i go to the kitchen and the same thing happens. every room. never ending. she loves this game. wish i had the passion for it that she does.

waited on a couple from michigan last night. they were so very nice. talked with the same accent as me. i am so homesick. but in a strange way. i just want to be able to be in two places at once. why can't there be a michigan me and a washington me? seems like that would be so much easier. or not. whatever, i'm still working on that idea.

is watching felicity re-runs a bad thing?

i hate george bush. hate him. haven't actually said that a lot lately so i felt the need to get it out of my system. sorry if it is offensive, but he is just awful.

god, does this game of fetch never end?

2005-10-09T19:49:00.000-07:00

a word of thanks to caleb for noting that i am no longer a raging drunk. i, of course, have replaced alcohol, but really, how could i not? less side effects and all.

anyhow, still stuck in this spot where i lack ambition. i lack drive. i need to find some. i've been discussing this nessecity with the powers that be, so i'll have to see if i get an injection of eneregy and drive.

sitting in my apartment, blogging, full from a good homemade dinner and a successful dessert making foray, watching baseball and a fire in our fireplace. i like fireplaces. life, right now, is good.

the bar exam results came out for all of my classmates that took it this summer. i have found a sense of satisfaction and slight happiness to see a couple of key names missing off the list. but then i feel guilty. but happy might outweigh guilty. damn...i'm not a good person. better talk to the powers that be about that as well.

ultimate indecision

2005-09-27T12:01:00.000-07:00

i'm lounging on my couch, enjoying my marathon session of season one of SEX IN THE CITY, despairing over the fact that the session will be ending and yet absorbed in a debate in my head about whether i am lazy or simply indecisive.

there are so many things i should be doing. i should have gone to a meeting this week, but instead i decided to procrastinate and put it off until week. i started to be productive, but got half way through each project and then abandoned them. for example, i stripped the bed, flipped our mattress, put the bedding in the wash and then....well, nothing. the bedding is in the drier, dry. the bed looks naked and more than likely wants to be dressed, but yet i'm lazy. i also half cleaned the disaster area of a kitchen (homemade red sauce last night) and then forgot to finish the job. OR am i indecisive? i should also go running. for a good long run. it partly even sounds enjoyable rather than just obligatory, but my running shoes are nowhere to be seen. i should also eat something as well, but i can't decide what i want to eat. or i am i just too lazy to go get food?

the very last episode of season one just ended. i think tears rolled down my cheeks. now i have nothing to entertain me. maybe i should make a to do list. i always feel somehow productive when i make a to do list, even if i don't actually do anything on the list. totally irrational, i realize, but yet, still true. my other favorite activity for moments like this is to go shopping. to the mall. i really love the mall.

punk'd is on. ashton kutcher is punking mila kunis. it is somewhat entertaining. not as good as sex in the city. so very bitter.

alright. it's almost time to get motivated. alright...so a poll - lazy or indecisive?

struggling type a

2005-09-20T09:23:00.000-07:00

i used to be a bit of a type a personality. i used to be super motivated, focused and all those other adjectives that ambitious people get described with.

but then i went to law school and i just sort of became less of a type a. i became more laid back. less concerned. far less motivated.

however, despite my diligent efforts to stave off any sort of guilt regarding the loss of my analness, every so often, and with increasing frequency, i begin to have feeling of (gasp) guilt. i have hours and hours of time to just sit and watch tv, but i can't. i could nap, but instead i feel plagued by the duty to do something. i know i should go run. and i will go run. but i almost think that i sit and debate running as some form of alleviating my displaced type a-ness. who knows. i just know that i don't sit still well. i don't do nothing that well.

too bad the bf does nothing better than anyone i know. it is a quality and something i normally appreciate, however with my mounting inability to just sit i am getting frustrated with his perfection of relaxed.

i think it is time in my life to get serious. to get started. if only i can continue to procrastinate....

disturbing dreams...

2005-09-15T09:50:00.000-07:00

i was plagued by bothersome dreams this morning. the bf had to leave for work only, so i was up at five am. i remember thinking at that point that i was super excited to get to sleep an additional three hours, but i now wish i would have just gotten up at that point. i can't really remember all the details, but i do know that i was naked and the EX bf was commenting on how i look now compared to how i looked the six years he and i dated. it was disturbing and completely un-neccessary. i don't want him back in my dreams.

the current and fantastic bf and i were driving to have dinner with his parents last night and it just hit me! BAM...i really live here. this is my home now, even if my mind doesn't realize it most of the time. if i were to be asked, unexpectedly, where my home was, i would automatically say michigan, but that just isn't true any longer. and really, let me tell you, that is scary. i guess it wasn't scary before living here, given that i was in school and had a legitimate reason to be in this state. but now i have graduated. i'm not a student anymore (which all on it's own has been hard enough for me to come to terms with), but now i also realize that i am choosing to make WA my home. i'm choosing between MI and WA. i just pray that i'm making the right choice.

and i pray that my damn EX stays out of my dreams and firmly planted in michigan.

snotty runny noses

2005-09-09T08:07:00.000-07:00

i've been training at the new job, at the upscale seafood restaurant downtown. i actually need the training, given that i am from michigan and have little knowledge about any sort of seafood...unless it is trout. i know trout. but all these other random kinds of seafood...i have no clue. so, i was on the floor serving food last night when out of no where my nose goes crazy and just starts dripping snot. it was gross. i feared contamination of the food i was serving. and then the sneezing started. i got no sleep last night, but instead went through an entire box of tissues, and not the good kind, but instead the cheap kind. i didn't have any medicine last night and just went and got some from the grocery store this morning. so, now i've heavily sedated myself with nyquil nightime. screw the daytime kind, i'm going all out. i also splurged and got myself the premium kleenexes.

i'm supposed to be at work training today, a double shift actually, but i just can't function. i have a kleenex stuck up my nose, trying to stop the runningness. i keep coughing and i just don't feel well. so, i'm calling in sick during my first week of training. i feel like such a loser, but serously, i can't help it.

so now i am just going to go to bed and try to ignore the fact that my nose is seriously working overtime.

fucking monopoly

2005-09-02T22:44:00.000-07:00

i need to say that monopoly is over-rated. i don't want to be drunk and playing monopoly. it isn't fun. it's the oppsoite of fun. when drunk and not focusing well for other reasons, no one wants to play monopoly and try to think. especially with people who won't just give up. this isn't a fun game. i'm bitter.

and my dad is an ass. i mean honestly, is apologizing that difficult? fucking grow up and be an adult. be a dad. honestly, you haven't been one my whole life so just give it a try right now. i'm really bitter about that. what an ass.

needless to say, i'm a bitter drunk right now.

raining naked women...

2005-09-01T09:21:00.000-07:00

it is not really raining naked women here in seattle. it isn't even raining, actually. but pat (BF) likes to tell a particular friend that it rains naked women here in an attempt to get him to move here. and my current thoughts were that when it rains, it pours. so, it is pouring naked women i guess.

things are going so well. it is like i have gone from really stressed and sure that life was going to end as i know it, to life falling right into place almost exactly as i wanted it. i would have prefered to take a different path to get to the point i'm at, i mean all is good now, but for months all was not good. all was frelled (caleb's word) up. i would have preferred to skip the frelled up months, but really, everybody makes mistakes and poor decisions, so i guess i'll just take the lesson i've learned and move forward.

i got a job and i start training today, so i am pretty excited about that. not like it is the beginning of my life long career, but that's okay. it's a step in the write direction, and that's all that matters. so, i'll be waiting tables again. i do love being a waitress. down town seattle, at mccormicks and schmicks on 1st ave in seattle. known as the premier seafood restaurant in seattle. the general manager asked me how my knowledge was on seafood. i replied that i was from the mid-west and i had gone fishing a few times. i obviously impressed him, since he gave me the job.

i'll be retiring the saturn in the near future. my nana has graciously volunteered to aid me in getting a slightly more reliable and perhaps a newer car. so, i'm in the market for a used honda accord or civic, but not in any sort of rush since the saturn and i go way back and i know it won't abandon me before i get a new one.

let's see? what else? i'm loving seattle. this is the largest city i've ever lived in and it just has so much to do and offer. i've been to several mariners baseball games and the guarantee of elephant ears and hot dogs gets me there everytime. i'm hoping the seahawks game that we are going to in a couple of weeks has the same benefits.

i'm not a student anymore. this is the first fall that i haven't been buying books, going to class or dreading homework. it's kinda nice, but at the same time, i loved almost all of my seven years of higher education. the last one was so bittersweet, it's hard to decide if i loved it or hated it.

in the last three years i have managed to drop forty pounds of myself. which i am thrilled about. i'm not chunky anymore. one might even consider me slender, svelte or skinny. the downfall has been the disapperance of my breasts. there gone. they used to be substantial, but now they are pretty mini. which has led me to become obsessed with everyone else's breasts. so now i have something in common with gabe. wonder if this is good or bad?

the play button

2005-08-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

it's as if someone has hit the play button on my life after having been stuck on the pause button for what seemed like forever. forever plus two days.

ahh, the relief. the cloud that has been lifted. the weight off my shoulders. every stupid saying applicable, i feel like all of them. such relief.

things going forward then. living in queen anne (seattle) with pat in a great apartment. we are really happy, which is great given the situation we were in. he has been working, which is fantastic since i have not been. however, i am now looking for a job. i wanted to wait until after we got back from michigan, which we did a week ago, so now i need to get serious. (we had an amazing time in michigan. love those damn kids....) anyhow, i've had two good interviews with the only area of work i am currently qualified to do....waitressing. so, soon i should be working again. and that will be nice. and then in december i'll start studying for the bar, which i'll be taking in february. and then life goes on....

and i'm so glad. i'm so very glad. and still a little angry.

lots of changes...

2005-07-31T21:56:00.000-07:00

things are a changing...

living in seattle now, which means i am out of spokane. super exciting. i'm unemployed, which is less fun. once i get back from the hiatus in michigan i will be proudly submitting my resumes for a WAITRESSING job. no need to begin my career in the legal field quite yet. in the meantime i have lots of home improvement projects and organizing to do. laundry too. in the apartment there is a washer and a dryer! just for me. a garbage disposal too. and a fireplace (a fireplace in seattle seems a bit unnecessary, but whatever...).

living specifically in the queen anne district of seattle. i love it so far. love it in the sense that i got lost for hours last week trying to navigate the city on foot. and when i say hours, i mean about ten hours worth of running/walking around this hilly place.

pat and i are painting the apartment, the living room is currently sporting herbal garden green. the bedroom will aurora orange and the bathroom is going to be california poppy red! very bright and very bold colors. cheerful colors.

went to a mariners baseball game today with a buddy from law school. sat out in the sun (it's sunny here. it really is. and hot.), had fantastic seats and feasted on a foot long hotdog, a GInormous pepsi (in the souvenir cup, of course) and an elephant ear coated in butter and sugar and powder sugar (which of course attracted a bee and freaked out the semi-neurotic law school buddy). all very yummy in my tummy.

what's even more exciting is that we took the bus for the entire trip. i rode the bus! i've never rode the bus before...besides this one time in london and that was only because it was london. see how that works? anyhow, the bus. it was great. better than being lost on foot.

alright, time to turn in the for the night. pat is not unemployed and he gets up ridiculously early, which means that now i do too. my walls are green, did i mention that? and others will be orange and red.

plummeting quality of life

2005-06-10T20:53:00.000-07:00

the life of a student was fantastic. and now it's done. life blows now. my quality of life is faltering. i go to a stupid fucking bar review class five or six days a week for three to four hours. then i try very hard to focus and study more. sometimes it works and i study, other times the possible distractions triumph. and when my focus wanders and i fail at studying i have a huge guilt trip. and that sucks. this bar exam thing is scary. it isn't fun. it is the opposite of fun.

but you know what, it isn't all that bad. i still really enjoy the boy in my life. we're in this shitty position together, both going through exactly the same things. and you know, being with him at this time in my life is good. really good. i'm happy.

i am not happy about class in twelve hours on my saturday morning, only because i just can't muster all that much excitement for constitutional law. for four hours of drudgery. sad.

but i'm glad i still like the boy.

dazed & confused

2005-05-15T01:40:00.000-07:00

i'm out of it. feel like my head is kinda just floating amongst the clouds. not in a bad way, but in a detached somewhat pleasant way. scary, huh?

the bf leaves tomorrow for seattle for three weeks. i'll visit once, but that's about it. makes me sad...it really does. i haven't actually missed someone that i've dated in quite some time. bittersweet.

my mom is in town visiting. ironic that she missed my graduation by exactly a week. but on the upside (i guess, i think....maybe it's an upside) at least she is here. it's been good so far, but bear in mind it has also been less than 18 hours as well. it could be a wash.

watching boogie nights right now. in my state of mind it has become an intriguing movie.

joey-oey the kitten is doing well after her surgery on friday. she was a bit groggy right after we picker her up, and rightly so, given that she had been extra sedated...since she tweaked out on a vet tech, who consequently freaked out in surgery. not a good thing. figures it would be my kitten. regardless, all is well. recovery seems to become her.

at work tonight i waited on seven japanese men who spoke very broken english. it was a treat trying to explain to them what cabbage is. man 1 says, "wwhhhat isss caabagge?" i respond, "well, it's like lettuce. you know, salads?" to which he states, "whhhat isss llletucce?" I sigh, ask for a second, and then go and get a piece of cabbage and a piece of lettuce and do a little bit of show and tell with them. i did the majority of showing and telling. they were very grateful for my creativity though....i think.

joey-oey is a little bitch. she's tiny, think only five pounds. and probably less now that they took stuff out of her. but anyways, she's little. and for some reason she sees it appropriate to not only stand her ground with larger animals, but to instigate trouble with them. she gets up in their faces, batting her paws around while hissing loudly. eventually she will do some sort of kung fu fighting move (generally containing flips, twirls, 180's and high jumps) while swiping her paw and claws across the poor friendly animal's face. she doesn't discriminate between little dogs, big dogs, other cats or nice or mean animals. she hates them all with an equal fervor. she's pleasant that way.

my favorite line thus far of the movie: "that's a big cock."

and with that, good night.

agh...sigh.

2005-05-13T08:32:00.000-07:00

joey, my six month old kitten, is getting spayed today. i just dropped her off and honestly, i'm quite nervous. that has to be scary. and i keep wondering if animals can talk, like in babe or charlottee's web or even like in finding nemo. really any of those movies. 'cause if they can talk, i bet that makes it all the worse. i mean, joey is going to have dogs barking at her and other kitties talking shit. who really knows. interesting though.

slightly annoyed at this point in time. i just don't understand some people's priorities in life. i don't always understand the decisions people make. why do that instead of this? especially when the "this" is what i want and is more beneficial to all involved, unlike "that". whatever, i suppose the realization of other people's priorities puts me in my place. let's me know where i stand.

moving out of my house officially. lots of work. not a lot of actual furniture, but certainly a daunting amount of cleaning. and given that i have not spent a night there in five months, i have very little motivation to actually clean. damn.

drinking a seriously large coffee right now in an attempt to combat the weariness i feel at 8:38 am due to going to bed angry/annoyed. i hate going to bed angry or annoyed, but sometimes going to bed angry/annoyed at least ensures you get some sleep. even if it is three hours.

alright....feeling as if this post was a bit pointless, but at least i blogged, right?

I'M BACK!

2005-05-11T21:54:00.000-07:00

hey you guys!!!! (i'm having goonie flashbacks.)

my first post in over five months...that's how on top of things i am. but lots was going on....and now i am officially graduated from law school. the graduation was so extravagent and the family was so proud, you would have thought i had done something noteworthy or super exciting. a whole crew showed up, and that was fantastic. gabe got me this super cool tv shoe/movie downloader website thingy that now allows me to just download the shows i miss. i'm loving that.

just getting over mono right now. that's been fun. the upside was that i was actually directed by the doctor to not run, so i got to take a break from excessive running without the guilt. although i'll be picking the running up again soon, given that i am feeling significantly better.

well, i am feigning for some serious swedish pancakes or strawberry waffles, so i had better make an effort in my pursuit.....i'll be back though. perhaps sooner rather than later.

finals time...again

2004-12-02T15:32:00.000-08:00

ahh, the old familiarity of final exams...again. ugh, i am so sick of these stupid things. i have my first tomorrow night, exactly 26 and a half hours away. one would think i should be studying, and i have been, a bit here and there, but not nearly as much as i should have so far, i am sure of that. i just can't do it. i am too tired of all this law school bullshit.

this semester has been the worst i have ever had, by far and for various reasons, including but not limited to the fact that law school is FULL of socially inept immature retarded type a personalities who are all pyscho and mentally unstable, myself included on some of those characteristics. i'm ready to be done and to be back home for the holidays. really, i am just ready to be done for EVER. i don't want to do this anymore. i love so many aspects of the life of a student, but even i am beginning to get burnt out on this life. i think the goal of the last year of lawschool is to make you hate it so intensely that you actually want to go out and join the real world. at least that is what i figure.

sorry it has been so long since i have last posted. while things have been crazy this semester, they are actually settling down pretty well. had some scary school stuff that could have been AWFUL that worked out quite well, but of course not until i put forth hours and hours of effort into alleviating the situation. and things are looking better socially as well. i'm getting happier and happier.

although right this second i am unhappy. i am stressed out, feeling quite lazy and i have a stomach ache on top of it all. figures, huh?

turning 25 on saturday. my dad is coming in town for it, so i am pretty excited about that. actually, my dad and my future step mom. glenny has been around forever (think like eight years), but i guess they are finally going to make it official. regardless, they are both making an appearance, so i am pleased with that. hopefully it will be a good calm fulfilling 25th birthday.

and now i really need to address this issue of my complete lack of knowledge regarding the law of product liability. i hope all of you are well....

what the hell?

2004-11-03T23:44:00.000-08:00

honestly, our nation is ridiculous. i can't even begin to fathom how sad we are as a nation.

let it be said that i am absolutely irate that our country is passing constitutional amendments defining marriage. IRATE.

i'm moving to canada. or australia. or i'll even go england, i hate bad teeth, but hey, better than dealing with george w for another four years.

i am in a depression. now not only am i stuck in high school drama land, but i also get to deal with bush for another four years.

peace corp here i come.

random hodgpodge

2004-10-26T22:52:00.000-07:00

1. thank you so very very much to caleb, one of my favorite friends that i have yet to meet, who took the time to sort through pictures of me to find one that i didn't look "freaky" in. thank you even more for then posting such picture on my blog site, with the aptly titled "lazy drunk ass" comment.

2. things are settling down. my life is coming back to me. but i know this is a precarious situation...i see that my slight grip of control could easily slip back away from me. i need to keep myself grounded, keep things in perspective. i need to not fade back into the abyss that i have been lost in for the past two months. i need to not be such an extremist. such a black and white person. such a strange intense bright burning flame that flares up but then fades away.

3. i need to learn to be a better friend to those in my life that truly matter. and i need to learn to give less to those that take me forgranted. those that don't appreciate me the way i deserve to be appreciated.

4. i want to go to a maze. a corn maze. a hay maze. a shrub maze. just a maze.

5. soon i want to lay on a blanket in a clear cloudless night and just stare up at the stars for hours. no talking. no energy necessary. just want to stare and look.

6. thank you again caleb. i really appreciate you doing that for me. thank you babe.

goodnight.

mean girls.

2004-10-22T01:48:00.000-07:00

oh, how unfortunate. so much for laying low.

have any of you seen the movie mean girls, with lindsey lohan? i know, probably not, given that all of you do not have a slight obsession with high school girly movies, but i do. anyhow, if you have seen that, it is my life currently. so absolutely ridiculous, my life is that of a high school sophomore.

so, i was lounging on my couch, throughly enjoying the fact that i wasn't at a loud, smokey and alcohol serving establishment when my old roommate and good friend jenny called. now jenny and i have been struggling, not so much with eachother, but with horrible things going on in our life, so it was kinda a big deal that she called. we haven't been hanging out much lately due to circumstances, so when she called and really wanted me to come out, i decided i needed to do it, 'cause i want her to know that i appreciate her. anyhow, she and i were drinking a beer, discussing how awful things have been lately and why they have been so dramatic. anyhow, it ended up in creating an intense amount of suspicion, anger, hurt and lots of yelling. not that she and i were yelling at eachother, but that a third friend, whom i am having conflict with, was feeling betrayed. it is all so dumb, this picking sides or teams situation.

what does this mean? should i have stayed on the couch, ignoring jenny who was reaching out to help our friendship? or did i do the right thing, by getting out there and letting her know i still care? why is life like this? why are the small petty and silly things all that consume my mind and my life?

a random boy i met at the bar tonight helped put it in perspective exactly how unnecessary it was/is to be dealing with this situation. so i resign. i pull out. i sent out an email, attempting peace. we'll see how this works out, but anything has to be better than this mean girls living situation.

ps...on a side note, why do i have to have a 10 am class that conflicts with the ellen show? i like the ellen show. i don't like my 10 am class. i wish watching ellen counted for credit.

laying low

2004-10-21T20:39:00.000-07:00

doing my best to lay low and drama free. which means i am in tonight, on a thursday, a night i normally drink a lot of beer i am instead going to be home. which isn't bad. i'm not sure that it is good either. but i think it might be more good than bad. i need some time to myself. plus this means i won't be hungover tomorrow, which is fantastic.

i have a severe case of the yawns and an intense desire for cookies. chocolate chip cookies. oreo cookies. double stuff oreos. mmmm...cookies. why is there not a cookie delivery person?

i think the other day, monday to be exact, i got so drunk that i don't remember hurting myself. honestly, i think i must have fallen down a flight of stairs or something. my right shoulder and elbow are bruised and my lower back hurts badly. another reason it is good that i want cookies tonight and not alcohol.

OH! OH! i forgot that i am typing on my new laptop right now. yeah for perserverance with dell! picked it up today. it's the next step up from my last one, which means it isn't much different, but what i am excited about is that it works!

and now i think i'm done with this post. i didn't really want to write, but my horoscope told me i would be a good written communicator today, but i think that is only in my natural un-altered state of mind, which i am not currently experiencing.

on the verge of giving up.

2004-10-19T22:58:00.000-07:00

and i am about done. done with this situation. tired of being second rate, second best. tired of losing respect for myself. tired of losing out.

i take it back, i'm not about done, i am done. fuck this, why am i putting up with this? why am i putting myself through this? have i not been through enough? is it necessary to make matters worse, to subject myself to more agnst and upset and hurt? why do i put effort forth into situations that clearly aren't beneficial or healthy to me? cause this isn't working for me. this isn't good for me.

what's wrong with the nice one's? the safe one's? the one's that treat me nicely, with respect, kindly?

i'm fucked in the head. things aren't looking good. things are actually looking really bleak. i'm emotionally exhausted. i'm sad right now. too much has been changing. i just need some stability. i need some help.

i hate drama

2004-10-15T19:41:00.000-07:00

i hate drama. i hate my life being filled with drama. i can't handle anymore drama.

let me tell you, this past month and a half has really sucked on many levels. things are just so different and my life seems to be filled with upheavel. i am so sick of change. so tired of surprises. tired of people acting like they are back in middle school. there is no point in saying, "oh, i have something to tell you, but i am not going to tell you." that just pisses people off. and gives me anxiety. unncessary anxiety, to be more specific.

i'm seriously exhausted from thinking about how i feel and how everyone else feels. i'm tired of worrying more about other people than i worry about myself. i wake up wondering who is irate about what petty thing happened. i mean, perhaps that is selfish, but i shouldn't have to think through how my actions are going to affect EVERYONE besides how they are going to affect me. seriously, i am paralyzed to the point of constant indecision. i over think every little action before i even contemplate making a decision. which really makes the decision making process very very long and very tiring.

i ran over the key symptoms of depression last night with jenny. sad thing is, i have the vast majority of those symptoms. i'm not saying that i am depressed, but i kinda think so. i'd go and get a professional opinion, however, i have no health insurance and cannot afford going on my own. and lord knows, if i was so lucky as to get a perscription for an anti-depressant, i wouldn't even be able to afford to actually fill it. so, it looks like i will be borderline depressed for an undetermined amount of time. at least that is something to look forward to.

help, please

2004-10-11T08:19:00.000-07:00

this post is directed almost entirely to caleb, someone i have not actually met, although through gabe i feel as if i know personally. anyhow, caleb...gabe has failed me. he attempted, dilligently (according to him...although he is lazy and i tend to be skeptical) to link my photo album to my homepage. i asked him to do such given your request for at least a picture of my drunk lazy ass. anyhow, gabe couldn't figure it out, so he has directed me to you.

now, i hate having to do things myself, however if it is really easy, i'd love to do it. or, better yet, i'd love to give you my passwords (probably via email, not via this blogger, given privacy and whatnot...although if someone else posted on here it might be more interesting) and have you do it, but that is very selfish. so, if you can direct me to properly attaching a link, i'd really appreciate it.

and that's all i've got. thanks caleb....

i win.

2004-10-06T10:22:00.000-07:00

i win. dell loses. assholes. yeah, after THREE hours on the phone with 12 different people who do not speak english as their first language who transferred me to five different departments, i finally got what i wanted. a new computer system. which will be an upgrade, given dell stopped making my model (probably because they realized it really sucks). so, in two weeks, i will have a new lap top which runs properly, does not freeze or shut down on its own.

funny thing though. while on the phone with one of the especially difficult to understand service techinicians, i was explaining how my computer will sometimes just shut down, all on it's own. at this point, the man, in his indian accent, asked "now, when this happens, are you running on the battery or on ac power?" WHAT? DO YOU THINK I AM RETARDED? of course i am running off from the ac power, dumbass. i am not running off the battery. honestly, that did send me over the edge.

regardless, i win!

i also called and requested my absentee ballot today. michigan is a swing state and i am for sure making sure my vote goes there...although sadly, washington is almost a swing state too. the dems are doing something wrong when washington is a swing state...

dell blows

2004-10-05T13:59:00.000-07:00

dell is making me irate. i have been on the phone, transferredbetween customer care and techinical support for 84 minutes so far...and that is just today. i have been wasting me time with dell for about a month total and at this point i am ready to fly my ass to india to talk face to face with these people.

and honestly, can we get someone on the phone that can speak and understand english? i realize it is cheaper to outsource work to india, but honestly, i am so frustrated with people not understanding me. and how is it possible that all these indian people have names such as justin, anne, marie, julie, sarah and jenny. those are just the names i have gotten today, in the last eighty something minutes.

the computer is not even a year old. it is slow, unreliable and overall, a piece of crap. and the only option dell is offering me is to send it away (to lord only knows where) to get fixed for 7 to 10 days. yeah, newsflash here, i'm in law school. i use my laptop everyday. sometimes all day. i cannot just send it away for a week or more and be without a lap top. send me a damn loaner, i'll do that. but no, that's against the policy. right, well honestly, the policy is about to get shoved somewhere very unpleasant. i bought a dell because of how good of a reputation they have for customer care, but honestly, they aren't living up to such reputation right now.

i wonder how much plane tickets to india are....perhaps it could be a mid semester vacation for me.

AGH, I AM SO FRUSTRATED RIGHT NOW.

holding in there...

2004-10-04T08:26:00.000-07:00

ahh, i am still alive. i am also still sick, but i think that is because my body is irate with me and thus refuses to get back to healthy. instead, it gets a little bit better, which gives me hope and the desire to do things sick people shouldn't, and then after doing such things i wake up feeling horrible, all over again. it is a bad bad cycle, one i must conquer. clearly, i must not trust my underhanded shady body and must instead just be dormant for a few days to ensure healthiness.

whate else? my life is still awfully complicated. i feel like i might be slowly (oh so slowly) sorting things out, but it is such a painful process that i simply want to speed it up. i want to spend the next few days on play x16, however, i am not a dvd player, so i think i am screwed. figures.

at this point, i just have a serious lack of energy, regarding every aspect of my life. i am having a tough time maintaining relationships which require anything more than minimal effort. i think i am just so tired in general that i don't have the desire to try that much. i am so bothered by everyone needing to know everything going on in everyone's lives. let's all just mind our own business, 'cause everyone knows that i can't take care of my own damn life, let alone anyone else's. i feel like i don't have the energy to be a good friend to everyone that deserves it in my life. i feel like there are a small handful of people that get me as a quality friend and the rest just get the shitty friend i can be. i want to change this, but i am almost too tired to do so. i'm just tired.

attended an 80's explosion party this past weekend, which required extensive shopping at various thrift stores. good times. wish we had pictures, because it was certainly photo worthy, what with me wearing an orange ruffled mini skirt, leg warmers, pink high heel shoes, the wide shoulder 80's shirt with the half denim jacket that was severely acid washed. and, of course, my side ponytail really completed the look. it was fantastic....especially when we left the party and started hitting the bars, all dressed in such manners.

and now i should probably pay attention, given that i am in class right now and i am paying a ridiculous sum of money to sit here....so, i hope to not perish from my lack of energy and to have the opportunity to whine more on this in the near future...

a slow unravelling.

2004-09-30T10:15:00.000-07:00

i am a mess.

my computer is going pyscho. i feel that it is having a sympathy break down with me. i would prefer for such to not happen, but the damn thing doesn't seem to be concerned about what i want. so, of course, i call dell in an attempt to get help. yeah, it would be absolutely fantastic if those tech people could speak english. but they can't. so, anyhow, no resolution as to what to do with the crappy computer. that's a problem.

what else? let me tell you. my right contact, which is brand new and sadly, the last one i have until i actually order more, is not right. it sits wrong on my eye, which means i can't actually see. and it irritates it and hurts it. but i don't have a different one and won't have one for at least a week or so, so i am sad about that too.

i'm sick too. i have some sort of cold/flu. i don't like it. what i do like is nyquil.

school is not so good right now. it is seriously stressing me out. i don't know how i manage to get myself in such situations, but nonetheless, here i am. it isn't good.

and that's all i have. i'm too tired to type anymore.

i suck

2004-09-28T10:20:00.000-07:00

i'm completely willing to admit that i suck at blogging. i have no sense of satisfaction from this site, primarily because i don't ever do shit with it. sorry, i'm lazy. i'd rather watch football and drink beer. or bloody marys, depending on what time the game is.

school is school. i want it to be done so badly, but at the same time i don't ever ever want to give up this lifestyle of a student. i love the lifestyle, i just hate the actual classes. what isn't there to love about having class four days a week, perhaps a few hours a day? i can take naps, to supplement the lack of sleep i get at night due to drinking. i get to go running whenever i want, to also try to eradicate any toxins out of my system. i get to hang out with fun people (at least by law school standards) and i have very little responsibility. if i don't want to go to class, it's okay, i have 8 absences a semester per class that i might as well use up. and all of this is going to come to a screeching halt in may. i will cry over this loss. i have been a student non-stop since the age of five....i don't know what else to be. that sounds silly, i'll be an attorney, but that won't be nearly as much fun as being a student. i won't get to drink all day saturday while lounging watching college football. i won't be able to be hungover in the middle of the week. i won't get to hang out with who ever i want....ugh, this is depressing.

suffice it to say, i love my life right now. i mean, there is a lot of absolutely unnecessary bullshit going on, but i brought some of that upon myself while the rest can just be chalked up to unstable law students, but regardless of that drama, i still love this life.

i got a compliment yesterday from an odd source. one of the only openly gay guys in our school (who is rather flamboyant, but that seems to only make him all the more fun) told me that while most people in our school have become far less attractive since our first year, what with gaining massive amounts of weight, he informed me i have done the opposite. he went as far as to call me svelte (clearly a gay guy word). and at first i thought that what the hell does he know, but then i realized he was one of the best sources. he was being honest. he had nothing to gain. he wasn't trying to sleep with me. and you know what, it was nice. it made me not mind my daily run quite as much.

what else? spent the entire day saturday drinking and watching college football with good friends. which led to one of them, a girlfriend of mine, drunkenly accusing me of always being happy and never crying and not showing my emotions ever....she wasn't even entirely sure i had emotions. it was an annoying experience, to tell you the truth. i sometimes feel punished here at school because i am not currently dependent on anti-depressants (i've actually never been on them, but foresee myself taking them sometime in the future for sure) nor am i mentally unstable or pyscho. i don't cry on a daily basis. or a weekly one. or really at all in the last several months, however, that isn't necessarily a bad thing....i think it might mean i am closer to normal than most everyone here. who knows, perhaps i am giving myself too much credit and i really am a cold hearted emotionless monster....

please....just a nap please.

2004-09-16T10:14:00.000-07:00

i am hungover in class. this is unfortunate. i need to stop drinking, there is no way around it. at least i am in class though....right?

i am MOST certainly going home in thirty five minutes and napping until the afternoon class i have to go to.

other than being hungover, things are moving along. had gabe here this past weekend, which was awesome, as always. i mean, really, there is no one else i want to be stuck on a rock with than gabe. and yeah, we were stuck on a rock. well, really, i eventually was not stuck on the rock, because i was tumbling down the river, nailing rocks left and right, watching all of my favorite people (my brother, gabe, and family friends) become smaller and smaller. it was certainly an adventure. always fantastic times when that combination of people arrives. either way, it has been so amazing, having my brother and his family here in the state. and of course, i loved having gaberoo out here too....

alright, better focus on class now....or the guy's arms next to me...they are exceedingly hairy. kinda seriously grosses me out. and i can't stop staring at them. ewww....gross.

adios mi amigos.

currently sad, but closing in on depressed.

2004-09-06T22:38:00.000-07:00

so, i have figured it out. i am almost depressed. i'm currently sad, but i can see myself becoming depressed soon. very soon...perhaps by the end of this blog.

do you ever realize that sometimes you are keeping so busy so that you don't have to face things that you'd rather hide from? because seriously, i have been playing a serious game of hide and seek with some sad issues. but then you get sick, physically, which slows you down. it gives your issues time to find your hiding spots. i almost think my physical illness is due to my emotions. i think my mental state is so tired of being ignored that it is affecting me physically. it is like the last line of defense or something. i think this is my mind trying to tell me i have issues....and i do have those. i can tell already. so, i am sad. and i think it is only going to get worse before it gets better. i think these are serously things i need to work through, and i have known this for awhile, but i have just been refusing to acknowledge such obligations. i have been denying the existence of such a mental to do list. this is a problem.....

side note....i blame big fish for this crappy realization. what a tear jerker of a movie. additionally, it is seriously depressing that it takes a movie to help me face denial.

current mood: undeterminable

2004-09-06T14:23:00.000-07:00

i'm in a bit of a mood. i am unsure as to what mood it is that i am in, but i am sure that i am in one. i have been sick for awhile now...going on a week. i blame it on my inability to relax. i always always have to be busy. i drive all the way to spokane from grand rapids. i then unpack my car, reorganize my house, buy my books, and go to school for a week before flying down to southern california (which was an awesome trip and i don't regret, but still more than my body could handle). so, i spend a long weekend in southern cali, before flying back up to spokane. i then got really really drunk the night i got back in....and missed my class the next day, not because i was hungover, but just because i forgot to go. how dumb is that? i just forgot. anyhow, started working this weekend, which went well, but now i am just exhausted. i have been running a fever. i can't breath and i have severe headache.

dave was awesome. i love him in concert. i especially love him in concert at the gorge. it was a sweet ass concert. i am super glad i went.

i'd like to say more, cause i have more to say, but i am too tired and rundown to keep talking. so....maybe i'll chat more another day.

dave matthews band

2004-09-04T13:34:00.000-07:00

i am off to the dave matthews band concert in the gorge right now.

i am super excited. i love dave and i also love the gorge. think of it as a natural ampitheatre....with the river and mountains as the back drop. it is a sweet ass venue. and i get to go....

i'll write more when i am back from it!

tanorexic

2004-08-31T13:40:00.000-07:00

i'm back from LA. it is a sad thing. i really really enjoyed southern california...loved going to huntington beach, newport beach, disneyland downtown and the san diego zoo. seriously, i was born to be on the beach. i insisted that ry and i set our asses out on the beach all day on saturday and it was perfect. it was just what i wanted. ry, of course, has determined that i am "tanorexic", but whatever, such a tan takes dedication. it was fantastic though. beautiful sunny hot weather along with sandy beaches and the beautiful ocean full of equally beautiful surfers...what more could i have wanted? it was a great mini break...i'd love to jaunt off like that one weekend a month, but that won't be financially possible, so i am just going to rehash this past weekend over and over and over again in my mind. i had never really been to california before (except for the redwoods way way up north), so i just really had a great time. ry was a fantastic host, gamely shopping with me (and spending more $$ than me, which always eases me in my impulse shopping), also laying and toasting himself to a bright red in the sun for me. the zoo was awesome....didn't even know so many animals existed and besides that it was good to get a feel for san diego...especially since that appears to be gabe's next destination...i give it an okay for living...i was only there for a day, but i liked the feel of it and i loved the sun and beaches.

anyhow, back at school. on hold with frelling wells fargo. been on hold for fifteen minutes and have yet to talk to a real person. gotta love that. i could perhaps recite their looping automated phone message by this point. i hate this crap...is it necessary to make this stuff so difficult?

what else? not much really. just wanted to let you all know i am back in town (reluctantly) and school is in swing. take care.

a big pause

2004-08-26T10:11:00.000-07:00

sorry folks, i had a bit of a break from blogging...been busy. am now in spokane, washington finishing up my last (about frelling time) year of law school at gonzaga. i'm kinda excited about being back, given that i haven't seen all my friends here in three months, but i'm not so excited about the actual classes. they blow. hardcore. what is wrong with these people that i go to school with? they are all so pompous, arrogant and pretensious that they make me want to jump off the fourth floor deck onto the pavement. i bet that's why none of the windows open in the classrooms....to ensure that students don't throw themselves out of them from the boredom and frustration of listening to their classmates.

anyhow, i am back at 212 w. buckeye avenue with jenny, the kitty emmy, and our new roommate, chip. he goes to school with us and needed a place. it saves us mad money and gives us someone to lift heavy objects and fix things...and it gives me a built in motivational work out freak. (he really really likes to work out...and he played football both in college and professionally, so there is a lot of yelling and grunting involved in our work outs.) monday night we all went out and got ridiculously drunk, which resulted in me going to class hungover the next day and jenny not going at all....it wasn't the best idea, but it was good solid fun and it may have made me slightly less bitter at everyone else in this school. at least that is how i rationalize things.

lots going on. i am flying to LA tomorrow morning bright and earlier for a long weekend to visit a friend from undergrad, ryan. i'm excited, i've never been to LA before and i have high hopes for lounging on the beach working on my tan and possibly going to disney land. regardless, it gets me out of spokane, which is always good.

then, labor day weekend, i will possibly be going to some sort of huge (think 200 people) camping weekend party over in cle elum, washington. it involves lots of drinking, bbqing, and probably tubing down the river. sounds like a good time to me. and with jenny there, fun will be prevelant.

and even more exciting is that on september 10th, not only is my brother and his family coming to washington, but gabe is too! my brother and fam is coming for a general visit, in which my brother will get to experience the annual family rafting trip. gabe is coming to continue the tradition of his presence on the rafting trip as well. i am super excited about this. i love that i get to see gabe...after hanging out with him this summer i am kinda going through withdrawls...and i absolutely adore that my nephew and niece will be out here too.

and just to round out september, the weekend after that i am running a frelling half marathon. that should really not be fun....but hopefully i can do it. and then i have the jack johnson concert in the gorge (the best place ever to see a concert...think mountains, the columbia river and blue skies....a natural ampitheater). so, besides being in school, i have lots going on, which is good....it might be the only way i stay sane.

hope all of you are well....

irate little raccoon...

2004-08-12T05:48:00.000-07:00

so, i am running along the trail that i normally run along yesterday, minding my own business...just running along, when i hear this hiss coming from somewhere near my feet. i look down and see this irate, puny (although surely scrappy) looking little raccoon who is towering (i say towering, perhaps he was just standing) on his back haunches, with his arms waving up in the air, claws extended...all while hissing at me. i was in a bit of shock at first, wondering to myself if it was with raccoons that i was supposed to pretend to be dead, while lying in the fetal position, but then i realized that was for bears...i think. so, i decided to just keep running, while attempting to appear very un-threatening like. so, i smiled (cause smiles aren't scary, right?) and ran on...he appeared comfortable with my decision, continuing his irate stance, but taking no further steps towards attacking me. thus, we can all thank the powers that be that i did not make the front page of the grand rapids press with my raccoon attack. (mind you, this all took place one week after i saw a very small snake on the trail, which prompted me to yell and flail my arms, hitting a biker and taking him down to the ground...i might actually be banned from this particular running trail.)

things are crazy right now with me. time is really running low, so i am trying to organize myself to get ready for the drive, but i am not really whole heartedly into such efforts, so really, i am doing everything half-assed. i have taken the time to create this very elaborate to do list, but i am not even attempting to cross anything off it. not good. not good at all. good thing i have other people around me to pick up the slack. the saturn is covered, i think, given that i have a great guy who is going to ensure that i will not be breaking down in south dakota. i really need to pack all my crap up, but that just seems beyond my capabilities right now...i'll just wait until last minute on that. and really, i should start playing the lotto, in an effort to win some gas money, but instead i'll just go work tonight and keep my fingers crossed that i make some money.

went and visited with gabe a couple of nights ago...which as always, makes me happy, but in the same sense makes me sad, since it was the last time i will be going there this summer. that kinda sucks. i'm also really going to miss my nephew luke, who is just so adorable and sweet. i took him the the beach last week (his first trip that he can remember) and as soon as he saw it, he looked up to me and in an awestruck voice said, "it is the biggest sandbox i have ever seen, aunt trisha." how can one not love that?

but you know, i am looking forward to getting back to school too. i talked with the roommate, jenny last night. i think we are both kinda looking forward to having some fun this year, but in the meantime, we really need to find out where our house keys are at, because neither of us has one right now. it will by really shitty if i drive across the country and can't even get in my own house. kinda funny though too.

well, folks, that's about it, update wise. oh! wait, i rememeber. the 34 year old and i are done, totally. i'm pretty sure he might be irate with me and will more than likely never date anyone ten years younger than him again. but hey, obviously it wasn't meant to work out. he was a super nice guy, but too much so. he was just too adult for me. i think that even if i was the same age as him, he would still be too adult. he is just that grown up.

now, i need to go run and avoid any dangers such as baby irate raccoons. wish me luck in my running adventures.

the dwindling days of summer...

2004-08-04T15:18:00.000-07:00

pretty much two weeks left here in michigan...then i am off again, driving miles and miles and miles again back to school. in preparation, i have not managed to save any money this summer. yeah, saving money is just not my strong suit...i'm better at not saving it. anyhow, i did just get my tires rotated on the saturn...additionally i got new windshield wipers. that should totally ensure that the saturn makes it to school and doesn't break down in south dakota. rrriiigghhhttt. so, yeah, i'm going to have to get on the ball and get shit done. the saturn needs some love otherwise i totally believe it will abandon me and leave me stranded in the barren land of south dakota.

what else? done with the far too adult 32 year old. i don't even think we are on speaking terms anymore. he pulled a little shit and acted kinda stupid, i blew it out of proportion in an effort to ensure the end and he called me out on my manipulation and now i am just done. i hate being called out on things. so, whatever, it is done. it isn't done well, but it is done. any relationships/friendships i have developed this summer are just doomed, given my pending move back to school. i half jokingly said that i should have come with a warning label this summer, stating that i am only here to have fun for the summer months, and that after that i would be moving on...

took the three year old nephew to the beach yesterday. it was a fantastic day and luke was full of excitement at the prospect of the biggest sandbox he had ever seen in his life. we built sand castles, went swimming, ate lunch (of course he managed to spit chewed up french fries all over my face...he never fails to do something kinda gross), and i got hit on a couple of times by what i can only assume are single dads...or uncles using their small nieces or nephews to pick up chicks. tough call. either way, i didn't find true love on the beach with my nephew. i did have a fantastic time though...i am really really going to miss that little guy. he is just so damn adorable and really, i do believe him when he tells me that he loves me. others make me wonder, but not him. he's too precious to be dishonest at this point.

gabe came up sunday, as is our ritual for the summer. it was good times, as is the ritual as well. ate some dinner, didn't go to a prince concert...but did drink some beer out on the patio of the bar i used to work at downtown while people watching. i am also going to miss seeing gabe with such regularity...i didn't see him at all for so long and now i have seen him almost weekly this summer. you know, it is actually nice to be able to physically see your best friend. going back to school will be sad because of gabe too. i'll be frelling up our sunday tradition this sunday, since i am going to the badlands of indiana with some fun folks i met this summer...they are big into jeeping (whatever that is) and i think i just need to have some fun. so, i'll have to head down to st. joe later in the week...

going with a new hair color in a week. am currently taking votes on whether i should remain dark (probably even going darker) or go back to my blonder days. so, feel free to vote...i may or may not follow such votes.

alright folks....ashlee simpson reruns are on and i need to catch up. such is the life of me.

paddleboating...

2004-07-29T08:01:00.000-07:00

i went paddleboating last night. i had such fun, floating on a paddleboat, drinking beer and just relaxing. it was a great summer night. i have a new found love for paddleboats and the activities involved in such a night.

on a less fun, but slightly more productive note, i had the conversation with the 34 year old tuesday night. it went well, really, considering. we both agreed the timing was poor for us meeting and trying to date. neither of us was interested in the long distance concept, so that wasn't a tough decision. we will remain friends, probably keeping in touch via email or phone, through the school year, and maybe, in may, when i am back here possibly for good, we will see where we stand then. however, in the meantime, no worries about differing expectations. we are both on the same page now and that is good.

looking forward to going back to school, at least in some aspcts. can't believe it is my last year. a tad bit scary, really.

alright, i have all sorts of errands to do...none of which include a paddlboat, sadly.

houston, we have a problem...

2004-07-27T08:01:00.000-07:00

honestly, why do people not understand proper english?

in my last blog, approximately one week ago, i detailed the discussion i had with the 34 year old about how things should be kept casual...that more than likely there would be no attempt at a long distance relationship in three weeks when i leave. i dreaded having this conversation, procrastinated as much as possible, and then finally sucked it up and got it out there....alleviating much anxiety and guilt for me. well, evidently the conversation lacked in something, since i got an email yesterday from the 34 year old asking me to further clarify my feelings for him and our situation. AGH! i don't want to elaborate any further. i actually might just want to be done with it all. so, one week from my last shitty relationship conversation, i am dreading the next scheduled one....which will be taking place in about six hours. honestly, we spend more time discussing this relationship than actually having one. that might be considered a problem.

i'm not good at real bona fide relationships. boyfriend/girlfriend ones. for so long i have been avoiding such relationships as if they were the plague, instead opting for the always present and suprisingly convenient and fulfilling friends with benefits situation. well, now that i am trying to be a freakin' grown up, i have been telling myself that a boyfriend wouldn't be bad. and i am sure it wouldn't be a bad thing if only i could remember how such a relationship worked. this is a problem. someone needs to alert houston.

totally unrelated, i know why special k cereal is so low in calories....it's because it is pretty much nothing. you eat a bowl of say, special k with red berries, and ten minutes later you are left wondering why you feel as if you have yet to even eat breakfast. it's annoying.

i had to go to the hospital yesterday for what i thought was going to be a simple and easy routine test regarding my crappy kidneys. instead i was there for over two hours, with various ivs and fluids running into my body while some grossly expensive atom counter was imaging the atoms in my frelling kidneys. it was perhaps one of the worst experiences in my whole life. honestly. it blew.

i'm babysitting a 16 year old girl for the next couple of days. babysitting isn't really the correct term, but i have yet to come up with a better one. really, her folks are out of town and she has a known propensity for getting into trouble, so i am staying there. as if i am going to keep her butt out of trouble. right....i was up until almost four am last night waiting for the acne laden teenage boys to leave the house with their 40 ouncers. i forgot what it was like to be 16.

ahh, what else? nothing all that serious, really, aside for the pending repetitive discussion with the 34 year old. of course i will keep you all posted on the results of that, but i can kinda predict what will happen. i foresee me mumbling lots of things rather quickly (works as a confusion tactic) while saying many nice things about him and lamenting my current shortcomings in terms of relationships. then i will stealthily find my ben harper cd. once said cd is obtained, i will proceed to end the situation and go home and deal with a 16 year old. at least that is what i see happening. aside from that, i am going to try to run a half marathon sometime in september, i think. so know not only do i have to run to work off all the crap i eat when i have the munchies, but i also have to run to train for this. should be interesting. i am so going to reward myself with something from the mall if i make it all those miles. just so you all know.

but really, when do things ever ever go as i plan?

being a big girl.

2004-07-21T06:05:00.000-07:00

have i mentioned how there are times in my life where i don't like being an adult? times when i would prefer to just fall off the face of my earth and avoid the uncomfortable situation that is plagueing me.

anyhow, obviously i have bumbled myself into such a situation. with the 34 year old. now the 34 year old is so very very nice. he is super kind. very sweet. considerate. adult. mature. adjusted. and really all these adjectives that are good and not bad...but you know, he is almost too nice for me. it is difficult for me, i prefer someone with an edge, a little bit of a sarcastic side. almost a bit of a mean streak, and my 34 year old certainly doesn't have this. honestly, when he says something, he means it. he isn't sarcastic, he is sincere. very sincere. i end up over thinking most everything he says, looking for a hidden meaning, and then i realize that he really is just being honest and sincere and means exactly what he said. nothing more and nothing less. and that is scary....and kinda annoying. it is in my nature to look for a challenge...and in return, i am challenging too, but he just doesn't fit this mold, and honestly, he is probably annoyed by me being hcallenging when he is being so easy. and according to my sources, this whole challenge that i am looking for is futile and destructive, something i am to give up, but i'm not so sure.

so, i needed to have a discussion with him, because i was getting overwhelmed by all the niceness. the constant car door opening was throwing me totally off my game. the flowers i was getting was making me nervous. the thoughtful gestures were just confusing me. i felt a bit overwhelmed. i was scared. and all i wanted to do was not confront this situation and hope that it went away all by itself (i've seen others use this tactic, and i never appreciated it, so i knew i wasn't going to do this, but still, it looked like a good option for a minute). but i confronted it regardless of my hesitation. had a few beers first (they always help) and sat my 34 year old down and discussed our situation with him. i wanted to lessen the pressure, alleviate my concerns, because at this point, i was so anxious about the situation that i wasn't even allowing myself to have fun around him....so, i had the talk with him. discussed that i did really like him, and this situation had potential, but not in a long distance manner. the long distance thing just is really bad timing. so, i discussed this with him, he was awesome about it and now i feel SO very much better. i really do. we are both on the same page, with the same expectations. and this makes me feel so very much better.

on a totally unrelated note, i worked a 16 hour shift last saturday at the bar. i can't even begin to imagine how many frelling beers i served that day. i made bank, that is for sure, but still, i hated most every minute of it.

damn pants eating goats.

2004-07-16T06:22:00.000-07:00

went to the zoo last week with my nephew, luke who is 3 1/2. he, of course, loved every minute of it. even the minute where he was spitting up a hot dog in my hand (after chewing it), and asking me to blow on it because it was obviously too hot. (gross) he also loved the camel ride we took (twice), but perhaps that is because he got the comfortable (for a camel) spot, and i got to sit directly on the hump. i was so freakin' tall, felt like i was towering over everyone. let's see...what else happened at the zoo? oh yeah, in the petting zoo, while i was taking a picture of luke and a pig, a goat took a bite out of my cargo pants, resulting in a hole in my pants. yeah, that was a treat. glad he didn't get my ass. so, we went to the zoo. i spent $55 on one small child. i need to learn to say no.

what else? still dating the new adult. slighlty unsure of how i feel about this person and this situation. he is just so mature, adjusted, normal, stable and nice....it is almost too much for me. sounds silly, huh? he got me roses, it gave me anxiety. this might be a problem. i just think he might be too nice for me. i am not really all that nice of a person...he is. we'll see.

made good money at work last night, which is always a bonus. maybe my car won't get repossessed. or maybe it will. either way.

can a person be too nice? what is my problem? people love to get flowers...how can i not love it too?

a grown up date

2004-07-11T06:41:00.000-07:00

i had a grown up date last night. a real one. with an adult. he is nine years older than me, which really, isn't outrageous. in actuality, it is refreshing. he is not going to call me drunk at four in the morning. he has outgrown that. he isn't going to throw nalgene bottles at me, drunk, given that he has outgrown that too.

but in all honesty, i had a good time last night. a really good time. i laughed a lot. i liked being around him. i wasn't uncomfortable, which is good, since i didn't really know him prior to going out. he picked me up. he opened vehicle doors for me. he paid for things. we did grown up things and it was really really fun.

i like him. i really do.

and i am going out with him on tuesday, again. (fun, huh?)

(i seriously was concerned about what to wear, more because my clothes do not look adult and mature a lot of the time, but it was all good. he had no qualms about wanting me to look older than i really am, which i am a fan of. but thanks gabe for all the thought on the outfit.)

bad endings.

2004-07-04T00:07:00.000-07:00

i dislike bad endings...not so much just in movies, but especially in my freakin' nights. and tonight is one of those endings.

had a good start. made money at work, got out early, went to a bachelorett party, had fun there...left to go hang out and relax with some friends...which i was doing while enjoying my snack attack fix of mcdonalds (think bad bad case of the munchies), and i get the frelling phone call that frelled it all.

yeah, it was a boy i know. not well, but somewhat so, one i was contemplating getting to know better than i did at that point. anyhow, he's calling, he's drunk, he needs a ride. immediately, as if on auto pilot, i agree to get him. as i am walking out the door, i realize that in my hazy state i agreed to do something i didn't want to do. i didn't want to deal with him, especially with me not drunk and him severely intoxicated. but it was too late. i had to deal with his high drama bullshit (i had only very recently realized that this boy was so high drama, thus my reasoning on not to get to know him better than i already did). so, i go and get his drunk ass. and as soon as he gets in the car, he starts yelling and screaming and being absolutely irate with me about something that i cannot comprehend. i try to discuss the situation, using my inside voice (unlike his monster voice), but the rationale just wasn't there. when it gets to the point where i am kinda scared (scared because i don't know him well enough to know how he is when he is drunk and irrational, not because i really thought he would hurt me, but still scared and nervous nonetheless), i turn my car around and drop his ass right off where i found him. i took the opportunity to not have to deal with him. i took the opportunity to get myself out of a situation that wasn't going anywhere. and you know, i feel kinda bad for getting in that spot in the first place, i should have known better, but still, i did what i had to do. i am past the point of being able to deal with boys that i know won't work out and that aren't healthy.

lesson learned.

now where is the damn mcdonalds i left for this idiot? i have the munchies. honestly.

verge of exhaustion.

2004-07-03T08:36:00.000-07:00

these hours are killing me. what's worse is that they are my own fault. i choose to work at this bar, knowing that the hours would be rough. furthermore, i choose to go out after work, staying up later than six or seven in the morning multiple days on end, catching naps in the afternoon to compensate for lost sleep at night. and i have had fun, i really have. but now i am exhausted and perhaps getting a bit sick...not a really big shocker, but still a sad occurrence.

went to the doctor yesterday for a brief check up...and was super excited about the significant drop in my blood pressure, which is almost back to the normal range. in addition i have dropped some more weight, perhaps due to the obsessive running...so i am now six pounds lighter than a month ago. hurray for that.

and the loss of six pounds is helpful, considering that friday night at work we had a budweiser promotion in the bar, which somehow necessitated wearing the tiniest shirts ever. (clearly, this was helpful to bring in larger tips, but seriously, felt overexposed, which is saying a lot for me.) anyhow, all i could think about was how i looked like i had mugged an eight year old for her tiny tshirt. i also got to wait on the owner of the bar that i work at and his buddies, who drank for several (think like ten) hours. they were absolutely wasted and slightly obnoxious (especially with the child sized shirts), but you know, they tipped really well, so...i'll get over staying three extra hours after the normal closing time of 2am. oh yeah, i served them until five in the morning. it was quite a treat...whatever though, i brought in over $300 in tips that night, which means rent is covered.

what else? i have a date in a week that should be interesting. a guy (note that i say guy...normally i would say boy, but he is clearly a guy, given that i think he is about 10 years older than me) that i meant at work (he doesn't work there, just hangs out after golf) who has asked me out. he seems super nice, normal and actually very funny (always important to me), so what the hell, i'll give it a go. so, i'll keep us all posted on that and how that works out.

what else? heading up north to traverse city in a day or so for a nice break. planning on only laying in the sun, playing on the beach and drinking beer the entire time. screw eating food, it is a beer diet for me for those three days.

in preparation for the traverse trip, i needed to go swim suit shopping, but the only available time was when i was babysitting my 10 year old cousin, who needless to say was not thrilled with the prospect of waiting for me to evaluate which suit looked the best. we negotiated it out, he waited, i and i then spent the next TWO hours in the freakin' arcade, reading the paper and holding the 2,568 tickets he won off from the $40 he squandered away. right, he's not spoiled or anything...

that's about it really. i am exhausted (damn bar owner), getting a bit sick, but not dying from high blood pressure or obesity and i have a pending date that may or may not see me in my new swim suits that cost me two hours of my life in an arcarde.

one way ticket to hell.

2004-06-27T17:31:00.000-07:00

i might have a one way ticket to hell. or at least dating hell. (for those of you who aren't familiar with my random thoughts on hell, i separate various hells. for example, people who are bad friends go to friend hell. people who are bad with their families go to family hell. and so on and so forth.) so, it is currently dating hell for me.

see, there is this guy at work who is fun and who i do like, but only in the short term, let's hang out and not be serious sense. certainly not in the "wow, you are awesome and i want to spend lots of time with you for an undetermined amount of time." so, while i am interested in short and low key, he appears to be more interested in the more serious option. so....what do i do? oh, it's easy. i say yes when he asks me to do something, regardless of if i want to or not (it's easier than saying no and making him feel badly...frelled up, i know, but one of my issues) and then if i decide i REALLY don't want to do whatever it is i have committed to, i just call and cancel. case and point - i was supposed to go to a movie tonight with him, but i just called and feigned a friend emergency that necessitated my attention immediately. now, i wouldn't normally mind going to a movie, but i did just hang out with him last night for several hours (a long time) and don't really feel that i want to hang out with him again already. but instead of telling him all of this, as clearly i should have, i fibbed. or lied. thus, i will be in dating hell. in case anyone is looking for me.

on an unrelated note, i didn't make it home last night, due to some alcohol consumption. so, this morning, when i rolled in the house, stumbling in my jeans, pointy shoes and tank top, reeking of a mix of miller light, oberon and jager, seeing maggie in the entry way waiting for me was the last thing i wanted. but yeah, she was there anyhow. arms crossed and scold securely fastened upon her face. agh. yeah, she wasn't really mad, just more concerned. (bear in mind, i live all the way across the country eight months out of the year where she has NO idea what i am doing or when i am coming home, but that appears to be irrelevant.) anyhow, instead of going promptly to bed (i had accumulated TWO hours of sleep by eight am) as i really really wanted to, i sucked it up, sprayed some perfume and joined family sunday morning, which consists of getting chai (me) and lattes (mags and carrol) before wandering through the grocery store buying various things for the large family brunch that followed. yeah, that was a real treat.

camping under a booth.

2004-06-21T06:30:00.000-07:00

yeah, i really don't have much to note, however, out of a sense of some sort of obligation, i'll scrounge up the fun events of the last few days and splice them together in an attempt to offer some entertainment.

alright, so got done with work saturday night a bit early, say around midnight. ran into one of my brother's best friends there, so a good friend of mine as well, drinking...so, i pulled up a chair at the bar and commenced drinking some bell's oberon myself. well, about two beers later, i ran into a good friend of mine from the restaurant, so we joined her and continued our beer consumption. now, lest we all forget (as i did saturday night) that the kidney/blood pressure medicine that i am taking kills my drinking tolerance and renders me pretty wasted in about four beers time. but i was doing good, only being on my third beer, when alisa and i looked up and saw a neat little row of three shots each, or six shots total, of tequila (specifically, jose 151) lined up in front of us. i looked quickly at her, getting ready to accuse her of such bad taste, when we both noticed our head boss, the owner of this and other restaurants and bars, toasting us with his own shot. agh. sigh. i briefly wrestled in my own mind with whether or not one could refuse shots (3 shots. of jose 151. ick.) bought for them by their boss. yeah, i realized you can't. so, we took all three like the little troopers we are. and were absolutely retarded from that point on. this is her and i, running, drunk, around the very same bar we work at, trying to do this and that. one of our tasks was an attempt to fix a vacuum, but in actuality, it wasn't broken until we started fixing it. never good. according to bystanders, the result was not only a broken vacuum, but alisa and i were also discovered to be hiding under a booth pretending that we were camping and roasting marshmallows. who the hell knows really. anyhow, was obviously in no shape to drive the entire mile and a half home, so had to have my brother's buddy drop me off. rather embarrassing at the age of 24 really. and certainly certainly woke up with a raging hangover yesterday morning. ick. hate tequila.

now, this morning, woke up sans the hangover, but with an 87 year old in the house. maggie's aunt kay is here visiting, so at nine am i got to meet this gem of a women (no sarcasm, she really is quite interesting). i, of course, being the lazy person i am, was, and really honestly, am still in my pajamas, but she was not only already dressed for the day, in her dress, but also had full make up on. seriously, i don't wear make up, but the least i could have done was probably get dressed. oh well, life goes on i imagine. can't really help it when one is out performed by an 87 year old suffering from jet lag from her cross country flight. i mean, honestly, the woman surely has a clear advantage of me...considering my age of 24, my bed time of earlier than hers and my lengthy commute of a mile and a half to and home from work. right. i suck.

okay, enough. the best i have to offer right now, due to my obvious stressful and uber important lifestyle. uh huh, feel free to laugh.

the injustice of it all.

2004-06-17T09:18:00.000-07:00

so, in an effort to be responsible and realize my limitations, especially right now in my life, i went to the obgyn today to get a depo shot, to ensure i would be producing no small children anytime soon. sounds pretty simple, right?

WRONG! honestly, i get there, early, fill out several forms all wanting random information that i am not entirely sure of, thus i end up being creative and making some of it up, which i have conflicted feelings about, but whatever. moving on, i fill out the complicated forms, using my creative genius. then i wait. and wait. and wait. a long time mind you. long enough to drink a venti soy extra hot no water chai. and to read sixty five pages in my current book. then i get called back. and once i am back there, things move just as slowly. they consult my chart. note that i have high blood pressure and kidney issues (still unclear about those, but again, whatever). note that i have a consent form from a nephrologist that i have never actually seen yet, but again, whatever. they take my blood pressure, noting that while it is indeed lower than last time, it is still high, almost too high to give me the shot. so, they tell me to take several deep breaths and to calm down. picture yourself in a serene spot. uh huh...my serene spot at that time included me with a gaggle of children surrounding me all whining and crying due to my lack of birth control.

right, so let me get this straight. you want me to relax. to calm down. but yet, you are telling me that i might not be able to get the damn shot which i want so that i don't have any small children in the near future?! right, well, no pressure there. honestly. anyhow, after three more readings of the blood pressure, i think the nurse fudged it to the doctor, sympathizing with me greatly, ensuring that i could get the shot and not reproduce for awhile. i really appreciated this, given that my anxiety was only increasing with the repeated blood pressure tests. anyhow, after such an ordeal, i was finally allowed the treat of getting a shot squarely in my arse (the book i am reading is by an english author...the use of arse is a shout out to that...almost used blimey, but i am unsure of the actual meaning, whereas arse i understand), which hurt quite a bit.

and just to make things so much better, the silly doctor informed me, just after she stuck me with the needle, that i need to be wary of weight gain on this particular method of birth control...agh! i already run and work out, but now that i have to be even more careful, i will be all that more neurotic and obsessive. hence the four mile hilly and hot run i went on as soon as i got home from the doctor's office. i might be insane. it is possible.

on unrelated fronts, the pistons won! yeah! i followed the tournament games pretty closely, and really enjoyed them. watched the final one down in some totally desolate bar in sister lakes with gabe, but had a great time. it was pretty much just him, me, and a couple of his buddies, drinking and watching the game. and again, i have reconfirmed that the medicine for the blood pressure greatly hinders my drinking tolerance, rendering me wasted in about half the time. ha, lucky gabe for having to deal with wasted me. he does well though, must be all that experience with small foreign children...has given him good amounts of patience and a good ability to make peanut butter toast. anyhow, fun times.

and now i feel the need to do some napping, due to the compulsive exercise.

plagued.

2004-06-11T07:12:00.000-07:00

i am being plagued by crazy pyscho insane dreams. seriously, i'm not sure if my random sleeping hours are to blame, because going to bed at four am consistently after working for twelve hours is a change, but nothing that odd. or perhaps it is the kidney thing, which i wish i knew more about, but given my current lack of health insurance and not being millionaire, i can't go specialist until a later date, so due to a lack of a better explanation, i'm blaming the dreams on the kidneys. damn kidneys.

anyhow, the dreams are just ridiculous. in one i was being chased by nameless and unknown small children who are trying to steal my two teddy bears that i sleep with every night and have ever since i was three. i'm torn in the dream, because there is no frelling way i'm giving up the bears, timmy teddy brown and hackley, but i also don't want to have to physically injure small children. i keep waking up before it comes to any sort of blows...but i'm pretty sure i would have hurt them in order to keep the bears...seriously, i've had them since i was three. those damn kids can get their own bears.

another entails me waiting on a table of seriously 65 people who all want something that i can't give them, whether it be as simple as pepsi, when all we have is coke. or pitchers of beer on a sunday morning when according to state law i can't serve alcohol until noon. it is just absolutely ridiculous, there are sixty five damn picky difficult mean people. it must be a dream compiling all of my shitty watiressing experiences and putting all those people at one table. either way, this dream just blows. i end up getting seriously irate, yet trying to remain sweet and calm (which i don't really pull off all that well in real life, let alone when i am stressed and irate), but i think i eventually end up throwing a pitcher of coke at some asshole guy.

also had a dream where i was making out with a girl that i know from high school and people were watching, people i know too, not just random faces. not totally odd and perhaps the least disturbing, but still ranking up on the a little weird list, given not that i was making out with a girl, that isn't all that odd, given the greater social acceptance of not only lesbian relationships, but of girls experimenting just for fun, even if they are straight (hell, cosmo just had an article about girls kissing girls just for fun), but the fact that it was a girl that i haven't seen or even thought of in a good number of years...and when i was around her, i didn't even get along with her all that well (shocker, i know...i don't get along with all that many girls, honestly) is a little bit different.

perhaps the most stressful and perplexing is the dream where i am back in my elementary school, where evidently i go to law school. in the dream i can't for the frelling life of me find my locker anywhere. i am surrounded by all of these white lockers and i can't find mine anywhere. i'm constrained by time, given i need to get to class, but i can't find the damn locker...and this is terrible for me. i hate being lost in places by myself (hate it! one of my biggest fears...) and i also hate hate hate being late for things. and as my stress reaches new heights a boy that i have some history with from law school wanders up in an attempt to maybe help me (unsure, he's not real helpful in real life, so why would he be in dream life? actually, in real life he is downright unhelpful although somewhat fun and amusing, but always when doing something that we both know is wrong)...so, he's distracting me, yet i still feel stressed. i am worrying at this point not only about the missing locker, amongst the hundreds of white lockers to choose from, but also the class that i am surely late for. then a boy, one of my favorite boys (i am the only girl that made him cry over a broken heart...back in the fifth grade and who shares the name matt, as so many boys in my life do), whom i have known since grade school appears...and i ditch the law school boy (feeling little guilt, if i remember correctly) and follow the favorite grade school boy, who leads me to my locker, alleviating my stress at the lost locker and pending class that i might have been missing. what does this mean? honestly. i may need to get back to a therapist just to interpret my dreams.

this isn't a comprehensive list of all the strange dreams as of late, but it details the highlights...

honestly, will someone just get me a beer?

2004-06-08T22:03:00.000-07:00

i love waitressing, i really do. i kinda think of it as my dream screw off job...one of the reasons i love being a student, since it is completely acceptable to spend my summers waiting tables, but honestly, tonight i just wanted someone to get me a beer, preferably a miller light or an oberon...is that too much to ask? yeah, it is, and honestly, that is okay, because i made good money. the miller light reps were in the bar tonight handing out free beer and miller light stuff, always a treat to have flashing pins adorning your clothes (reminds me of flare, which reminds me of a great movie...office space). anyhow, there were a couple of miller light girls there, who oddly enough also work for hooters here in town. anyhow, got to chatting with one of them for a bit and at some point, she asked me if i was interested in quitting the sports bar scene and trying hooters out...yeah, i thanked her, but really, it isn't my scene. so, now hooter's for me, but maybe as a fall back plan. i hear that they have great wings. right. anyhow, the great thing about the sports bar atmosphere is that people are almost always there...given it is basketball finals, but also golf, car racing (my least favorite...so white trash), hockey...i even think the summer olympics are coming soon. not to mention that i think some just come in for the in restaurant trivia...but regardless, it is a busy bar/restaurant and i benefit from that. quite well, in the case of tonight.

had a good day, not only because of being profitable at work, but also had a good morning/afternoon prior to work. got some good solid reading in while laying out in the sun (love michigan summers....especially now that the torrential rains have ceased) and also had a good fun visit with matt, a fun friend from undergrad, who just happened to be in town for something work related. it was good to see him, brightened up my day. anyhow, all around good times.

gabe and lois came up for dinner last night, which was quality. went to one of the really pretty parts of grand rapids, sat out on a deck over looking a lake and drank some beer and ate some good food. got to know lois better, which is great. very glad she extended her stay so that i could actually meet and talk to her sober, versus the last time i met her.

alright, nothing real exciting...which for me is pretty damn good. but off to bed....my feet are exhausted. odd how just one part of the body feels the tiredness.

over analyzed...

2004-06-06T09:53:00.000-07:00

some might say that i over analyze things. not all things, but some things...frequently things and situations that do not really merit such thought. and while some would say that, i would even venture to agree. anyhow, lately i have had a slew of things stirring around in my mind, causing me some angst and others angst as well, generally because they had to listen and deal with me while i stewed. anyhow, i am relieved to say that, yet again, that the powers that be have again proven that i am wasting a great deal of energy worrying sometimes.

i've had a busy few days. i've been working crazy hours, going into the restaurant around four in the afternoon and getting out around three am. it makes for a long day and a short night, given my complete inability to sleep later than eight. but it is good, because i am making money and not giving myself as much opportunity to spend money. always a bonus for me, given my talent at vastly under thinking my finances.

i had the pleasure of meeting lois a couple nights ago. it was a good experience...gabe is one of my best friends and now i have a completed picture, or a more complete picture, of his life. i understand the situation more and that is always a bonus. plus, honestly, how could i turn down such a hoppin' bar in a hot bed of sister lakes? i brought along a friend from undergrad and had a very memorable time, both at the bar and on the drive home...a very fun night, all things considered (all things considered being the loss of one of my favorite shoes...i think i surrendered it to the rest stop gods...but i can't really accurately recall.)

what else? not much, honestly. or at least nothing meriting a discussion. hope all is well with everyone. and on the off chance that anyone stops by a rest stop somewhere outside of the battle creek area and finds a black pointy shoe, it would be mine.

little miss smarty pants....

2004-06-02T05:42:00.000-07:00

well, i kinda constitute little miss smarty pants right now, but really only according to my own frelled (caleb, i am so stealing frelled from you, but i think it is incredibly creative and effective, so props to you.) standards.

bottom line, i just got my grades from this past semester of law school, and to my surprise and glee, i did well. actually, (again according to my standards) i did really well. i pulled all a's and high b's, with not a single b- or c of any sort in sight. (kinda rhymes, which amuses me right now...but that might be the four hours of sleep i got.) anyhow, i am thrilled. it was a tough semester, with some hard classes. i mean seriously, who really understands the federal rules of evidence? who even cares to understand them? certainly not myself, but i even got a good grade in that class as well. but i actually studied this year and even overcame the ex of over six years dropping a bomb on me a wee two hours prior to one of the big exams, pulling in my second best grade in that class. his news having such a small impact, if not perhaps no impact at all, somehow gives me the belief that i really am done with that chapter of my life, which is bittersweet, but right now, more sweet than bitter.

so, i am happy about this. so happy in fact that i am going to treat myself to a soy chai. yeah, but only after i go run in the rain. i love running in the rain, primarily because i feel totally free to splash in the puddles and secondly because sometimes there are ducks out and i heart ducks. quick flashback for you all...back in undergrad i studied abroad to england, scotland, ireland and france. i believe somewhere in england our gang had gone on a tour of a very old castle in the pouring down english rain. i was super excited though, because i kept seeing all of these amazing ducks all over the estate. finally, after much meandering (because one meanders when in england) i stumbled upon a duckery! (somewhat like a nunnery, but minus the nuns and plus ducks...or yeah, it was really a duck pond with a sign that said duckery.) anyhow, i was SO happy about this. it was absolutely necessary in my mind to get a picture of myself in front of the duckery...regardless of the pouring down rain. so, i get positioned and am waiting for someone in the group to take to photo, but all of being hungover, things are moving slowly and in that hungover state, i lose my balance (actually, i am not real coordinated, i fall even not hung over) and tumble ever so gracefully into the damn duckery. which was full of ducks. and dirty ducky water. it was like one giant mud puddle with tons of ducks. needless to say, it was a very funny moment and a great picture. and you know, i still love ducks...according to gabe, i even walk somewhat similar to a duck...which i am taking as a compliment, even though that is a questionable inference. but hey, it's my damn blog and i can draw all sorts of inferences.

alright, back to the joys of living in a newly constructed home, which is certainly incredibly beautiful, but sometimes frustrating. specific to this instance there were no peeking half toothed builders or random workers waking me up, but instead a broken hot water heater...so, cold showers for me. now, i know cold showers can serve an important function, but really, i'm not in the frame of mind or physical desperation where i need to utilize such a freezing shower, but whatever, i'll roll with it, given i have absolutely NO ability to fix it given my total lack of mechanical skills. word on the street (or around the house) is that a new one will be installed later today, amazingly when i am at work, so i won't actually have to deal with anyone fixing things for a day. such a treat.

alright, enough from me. i finished work last night at 1 am and am now getting ready to go back in...the whole late night shift back to back with the lunch shift kinda blows, but whatever, i need some frelling (thank you caleb) money.

"oh, the places you'll go!"

2004-05-31T20:59:00.000-07:00

i'm finding my inspiration currently in a very important, intellectual, world renowned book, a classic in it's own right...namely, "oh, the places you'll go!" by dr. seuss. seriously, this man was a genius.

for instance - "with you heard full of brains and your shoes full of feet, you're too smart to go down any not-so-good street."

or perhaps - "i'm sorry to say so but, sadly, it's true that bang-ups and hang-ups can happen to you...you'll come down from the lurch with an unpleasant bump. and the chances are, then, that you'll be in a slump. and when you're in a slump, you're not in for much fun. un-slumping yourself is not easily done."

i stumbled upon this book on accident. someone gave it to me back a few years when i graduated from college, at which point i was far far too busy to read it, but now, reading it inspires me. makes me laugh. relieves some of my anxiety. and you know, i get all of this from a children's book. perhaps this speaks volumes about me, some of you may think, as i myself have wondered, but you know, more accurately, i just think that dr. seuss knew his shit and his knowledge and works are universally applicable to all, regardless of race, age, gender, sex, social status and what not...and i like that right now about him. that, and of course, he made me laugh and smile, two of my very favorite things to do.

moving on...my 3 year old nephew is again calling me aunt sally, instead of aunt trisha. see, the story goes like this. a while ago, last summer i think, i taught my beloved and gifted nephew how to give wet willies (wet finger, stick in ear...not your own ear silly.), something my brother has yet to forgive me for. anyhow, while i was away at school, my nephew practiced with great diligence his wet willies, generally on my brother. my brother, being my very favorite person in this world, decided to get revenge by renaming me "aunt sally" and teaching his son to call me such. now, he started this a couple of months ago, and i thought i had reversed such teachings, but upon arriving today at their house, i was greeted by an adorable grinning nephew calling me aunt sally. sigh. (still cute though, huh?)

alright, it is getting a bit late, and i need to get some sleep, since i am actually working SIX days this week. and that is exciting. and absolutely necessary according to my checking account.

you have such cute cheeks!

2004-05-29T18:13:00.000-07:00

yesterday, little baby gaberoo was in town and that was good. we ran around a bit, watched shrek (which is so super cute and very appropriate for adults) and then settled into my top priority...primarily eating dinner and drinking beer. now, back in the day, namely undergrad, i was much less fun. i didn't drink beer. i was one of those very annoying girls who would only drink certain types of hard alcohol and would much rather prefer only certain types of hard cider. i was truly a pain in the ass to drink with. however, in law school, i made an effort to become more versatile and easy going...in essence, i learned to drink beer and consequently became more fun. so, last night i started drinking with my favorite beer...miller light. i love the stuff, can't help it. but i tend to fall back on it so heavily that i don't ever stray. it gets boring. anyhow, at the second and most fun bar of the night, i met a stranger while gabe was off to the bathroom. this stranger so graciously introduced me to new beer, bells oberon. it was great. resulted in me, gabe and our new friend (a fellow msu alum and local realtor) being very drunk swapping old stories from college. also resulted in this man pinching my cheeks repeatedly telling me how very cute i was and if he wasn't already in love, he would surely be in love with me. it was very amusing, especially for me, but for baby gabe too. the guy was just so genuine and so very excited to have found gabe and i, it just made the night that much better. good people. really, it was a great night. fun times. exactly what i needed to alleviate any worries or anxieties.

went through taco bell that night, but didn't actually remember eating a taco until i went to run to get my soy chai this morning and discovered an abandoned taco bell bag. instantly felt guilty about eating the taco that late at night which resulted in such great guilt that i had to compulsively go for a run to keep the unnecessary guilt at bay. it is ridiculous, i know, but i just can't help it quite yet.

anyhow, later in the evening, after gabe headed back home and after the bars were closed, i got an interesting phone call from someone who should know better than to call me...especially considering that he is certainly not single. anyhow, it was an interesting phone conversation which could have potential to create an interesting summer. we'll have to see how that works out.

alright folks, off to be tired from a compounded lack of sleep from the past few nights.

exhaustion with just a twinge of anxiety...or more than a twinge.

2004-05-28T00:20:00.000-07:00

i am seriously exhausted. i forgot how tiring waitressing is. now, i know that sounds stupid, it isn't like i am running a marathon or moving massive quantities of weight, but seriously, i was just on my feet for over 10 hours, serving alcohol and food. now i want nothing more than to go to bed and forget about the drunks hitting on me in a manner so as to distract me from their attempts to grope me. seriously, those drunks telling me i am beautiful only grosses me out...i'd much rather here it from my nephew, who although he is three and not the most worldly of folks, is still more intelligent and coherent than those alcoholics i serve at the bar.

yeah, i can't go to bed. i can't go to bed because i have to go to the damn hospital. i have to go to the hospital because my kindeys suck and aren't working correctly, which has now turned painful and necessitates getting an ultrasound, amongst other fun tests. and that ultrasound will be taking place in about an hour...at five am. why five am? who knows. so funny though, while confirming the five am appointment, the nurse asked me to please come early, given the rush. i just sat there, dumbfounded, wondering why there was a rush at five in the freakin' morning. i, of course, asked her if it was really all that busy at that hour, but she just didn't seem to think it was that ironic or funny. where are people's senses of humor? their wit? their sarcasm? honestly. this is why i dislike so many people.

what sucks even more is that i can't eat prior to this thingy for at least six hours. six hours really isn't all that long to go without food or drink, but i didn't have a chance to eat while at work, so i haven't actually eaten in 13 hours and i haven't had anything to drink in 8. i am a little bitter.

so, really, just to be completely honest here, which i can do, given this is my site and my blog, i'll tell you something. i am scared. i am. i don't like hospitals. rarely can i remember getting good news at the hospital. especially in the last few years, with my grams being sick with cancer. and obviously, i don't have cancer (at least i damn well better not), so i realize that i need not be that extreme, but still, hospitals don't have a positive place in my mind. much more of a negative connotation, which leads me to be nervous, anxious and scared. three things that probably only succeed in further agitating my already high blood pressure.

gabe comes to visit tomorrow and this is good. he always makes me feel better, given he does possess wit and sarcasm. i'm sure that will be a good thing.

alright all. i'd say good night, but really, this isn't such a night and i am not even going to bed. so, good day tomorrow instead!

additionally...

2004-05-26T19:44:00.000-07:00

right, sorry i forgot! so, the other day, i was running along on the treadmill here in the house, in the basement, watching regis and kelly, trying to burn extra calories, when i glanced up and saw this face smooched (i don't know how to spell smooched)up against the window, with hands cupping around it. i then saw the freakin' scary toothless grin and seriously was so scared, upon realizing it was the pyscho builder, that i misstepped and fell off the back of the treadmill. i can not even begin to tell you how enraged i was. i just sat there, head hurting, treadmill treading, thinking about how i was so calling my brother to beat this weirdo up. seriously, pyscho! stop staring at me in the shower and on the treadmill. agh. he is like a stalker with a permit, given his necessity as builder. ick.

on another funny note, i have again realized why i am not quite ready to be a mom. while babysitting today, i packed up the small children, car seats and all, into the saturn. i then packed myself in. as i am pulling out, i hear a loud thud, and realize i have run over something. i worry, then realize it couldn't have been a child, since both were in the car...instead it was the diaper bag. nice. i ran over the diaper bag, which mind you, i would have forgotten had i not hit it. seriously, who trusts me to babysit?

bittersweet

2004-05-26T17:47:00.000-07:00

so, woke up unnaturally early to the phone. yeah, some semi-scary news from my newly acquired family doctor, otherwise known as gabe's dad. anyhow, high blood pressure aside, things look slightly more colorful, so further testing has to be done aided by a specialist. not so excited about this development, but whatever. can't do much to avoid it.

anyhow, after that type of waking up, i was a bit stressed, so babysitting for the niece and nephew was perfect, given all the fort building and other fun things to partake in. plus, my nephew, in his three years of wisdom, has determined that not only am i the most beautiful (pronounced bee-u-tiful) girl he knows, but also one of the smartest. i earned the title of smartest when i was able to dislodge his finger from the vcr that he had stuck it in. silly boy. anyhow, 12 hours with those two totally occupies your mind, not allowing one to worry about much else besides keeping the kids with all their fingers and toes, at least until the parent get home. it was a good time and good for me. like i said, there was fort building, one of my all time favorite activities still. additionally, we also had some fun at the river and swinging in the park. i haven't swung in so long...i tried for a big dismount, going as far as to call out to my nephew and brother to get their attention, yeah, then i ate shit in the woodchips. hey, it was good for the laughs and humbling for the ego. i now can cross off a future as a gymnast.

what else? i start work waitressing tomorrow, which is fantastic. i need to make some serious money, and short of selling myself or taking off my clothes, this might be my best option, so let's all wish me luck. no need for me to go to extremes.

alright boys and girls. i need to go and relax. perhaps shower off some of the dirty hand prints that are scattered all over me, given the two small children i spent the day with. more another time.

agh, frustration.

2004-05-25T19:36:00.000-07:00

i am frustrated. can't so much pin point the exact source of frustration, or the exact person(s) that i am letting frustrate me, but if i just think about it long enough i might figure it out...or i might just get more frustrated. i think the bottom line is that people annoy me. or more accurately, boys annoy me. i need to stop allowing them to frustrate me. note to self.

i can tell you that i am not frustrated by a lack of things to do today. instead, i was busy. i got called into one of my many past jobs, this one at the salon, where i am the perky welcoming face to the clients. or at least that is my goal. so, i worked there. and that was good, because otherwise i would have had to sit in the beautiful house i can't enjoy because the pyscho builder who stares in showers was here not doing his job. he is kinda a bad builder, all things considered. and he doesn't have all his teeth. yeah, i better not even get going on him. scary scary man.

tomorrow i am babysitting for previously mentioned adorable niece and nephew. this i am excited about. this is of course a volunteer position, but it is one of my favorite things to do, so i am good with the lack of monetary reimbursement. at least for the time being. visa may have qualms, but whatever.

it didn't rain today! yeah for no rain! now if only i can convince the sun to shine...

alright, i am exhausted. must have been the real work i did versus reading books and drinking chai. whew.

and then there was me blogging...

2004-05-24T20:31:00.000-07:00

right. so, i've never blogged. i didn't actually really know such a word as blog existed, let alone that it was classified as a verb, but whatever. live and learn.

gabe recommended i start this. really, i figure it is like cheap therapy. gabe probably figures it will decrease his cell phone bills and perhaps allow him more time to sleep...as if that is what he needs, can the kid possibly sleep more?

anyhow, this should be interesting. and given that i don't really know how this works or what blogging etiquette is, i'm just going to wing it. and start with the happens of my life as of late. although, it seems so odd to just sit and talk about myself, not that i don't do it well and frequently anyhow, but normally i interject the customary and polite "so, how are you doing?" every so often, not necessarily because i care (although sometimes with some people i do really care), but because it is rude not to. but here, really, i don't have to do that...at least not as far as i know. wow, feeling really free right now.

so, i am done with my second year of law school at gonzaga and thus home in michigan for the summer. it has rained every day, except one, since i have gotten here. i remember missing the thunderstorms while i was out west, but now i am just tired of them waking me up all night. they can stop now. i've had my fill.

i'm excited to be home because a. it means i am done with school for the year (which might alleviate my now scarily high blood pressure), b. i get to see my niece and nephew, whom i adore and who adore me still, given their young age and innocence, and c. i love summers in michigan (lake michigan, traverse city, canoeing, camping, running outside, s'mores, bonfires...). so, it is good to be home. for the most part. not good is the fact that we just built a new house, so it is chaotic. chaotic in the sense that last week i was in the new sweet ass shower, showering away, doing what one does in the shower. as i am getting out of the shower, and drying off, i glance out of the very high and not easily accessible window, only to make eye contact with the scary and semi-toothless man working on the siding, evidently. i was so disgusted, that i bolted out of the bathroom, attempting to cover myself with my towel. ick. gross. how long was that freak staring at me?

i start working this week, which is fantastic, because i am going absolutely crazy with all my free time. i am not a free time lover. i am actually the opposite. i love the be busy. scheduled. running from here to there. all this free time leaves me feel rather unproductive and somewhat of a waste of space. take today for example.

i woke up, early as always, and then realized i had nothing to do. literally. so, i ran double the miles to take up double the time...all in an effort to feel productive. i then went to a coffee house and drank two soy chai lattes while reading a book (not an intellectual book, on break from those until school starts again) from cover to cover, taking all of about two hours. so, then, feeling very lazy, i decided to re-enter society as a productive citizen by donating blood. i have o- blood, so they always want it. yeah, even that was a bust. my veins sucked and the poor nurse just ended up getting mad and bruising my entire arm. so, really, now i look like a freakin' drug addict with a bruised up arm. nice, huh? kinda achieved the exact opposite of what i was looking to do. on the upside, i felt slightly redeemed upon arriving at my aunt's house and being able to help my cousin with his math homework. actually felt helpful and intelligent...right, until i realized he was in the freakin' fourth grade and i had damn well better know how to do mixed numbers and improper fractions after this much education and looming debt. shortly after that helpful spurt, i attempted to run an errand that was requested of me, which simply led to me being lost in flowerland amongst the overwhelming varieties of flora and fauna. kinda scary really, given that i knew i had a specific variety (marigolds, yellow, not orange...i was bitter) to find, yet was totally lost. some awkward teenage boy finally ended up helping me, but really, he just made me more uncomfortable, given his complete lack of eye contact. why is there no eye contact? seriously.

so, yeah, that was my day. exciting, huh? tomorrow is looking very similar. i might go insane. it is clearly possible that i might be nuts by thursday, when i finally start my job waitressing. i'll have to clean or something tomorrow. that might do the trick.

either way, i'll keep you up to date on my mental stability...or lack thereof.